New decade, new beginnings!

Today is the day I turn 30!  Time for a new beginning... for now at least.  For all things Trail, follow me here!
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Lessons from an (almost) three year old

"There are no failures -- just experiences and your reactions to them." ~ Tom Krause

My daughters inspire me -- and sometimes in the oddest ways.  Yesterday, when my youngest managed to really hurt herself again (traumatic injury #3), I managed to stay remotely calm, even through the stitches that she received.  As I held her down,  I could feel her squirm underneath me, as she cried in pain.  Inside, I cried too.  My poor little girl... she's not even three years old, and yet she has gone through so much.  Oh, how I wish I could have taken those stitches for her.

Despite the gash above her left eyebrow, she remained upbeat for most of the afternoon and evening, playing with her sister, smiling and laughing.  She's a tough little cookie.  But more importantly, she showed me that you can still find the good out of almost any situation, even when something bad happens.  Even in my (almost) thirty years, I can still use a reminder like that every once in a while.  Stuff will always happen, but it's how I choose to react that truly matters. 

This probably won't be the last time that I hurriedly rush to the doctor or dentist for Kiara.  Her fearless spirit coupled with her general clumsiness is bound to create many more emergencies.   That's just Kiara's nature.  But she is also one of the most loving and gentle kids that I know, and I wouldn't change that for anything.  Her life experiences thus far are a bit beyond her years, and she's already taught me some good lessons about being strong and staying positive. I would have never expected my kids to be the ones who teach me a thing or two about life, but nevertheless, she has.  She makes me want to be a better person. 

I saw glitter!

 

There's something about getting caught up in a truly wonderful moment... the world stands still and you can't help but press the replay button over and over again.  Everybody has these moments which invoke awe and pure wonder.  It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I have learned to relish it while I can. And relish I have. So when I heard "Glitter in the Air" on XM yesterday, I thought to myself that there couldn't be a more perfect song to describe how I've been feeling lately.  The song speaks to me about how powerful just one moment can be, and it's ability to change things.  

Glitter in the Air

by Pink

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

I'm not running wild...

"Our imagination is the most important faculty we possess. It can be our greatest resource or our most formidable adversary. It is through our imagination that we discern possibilities and options. Yet imagination is no mere blank slate on which we simply inscribe our will. Rather, imagination is the deepest voice of the soul and can be heard clearly only through cultivation and careful attention. A relationship with our imagination is a relationship with our deepest self."  ~ Pat B. Allen

Yes, my imagination is a funny thing.  It has the power to derive satisfaction, provoke action, and accomplish great things, when applied with great determination and spirit.  But it sometimes makes me wistful.  I won't lie.  Alas, some things would not exist in our imaginations if it were not for the fact that they were unattainable.  Sad, but true.  People always say to 'let your imagination run wild', but I'm starting to doubt the benefit of doing that.  Most of the times, it leads to disappointment and want.  

Investing in my imagination opens up a boxful of question marks that I'm not prepared to answer.  There are never-ending consequences for indulging our imagination.  Who would have guessed how different the lives of so many people would be when Alexander Graham Bell used his imagination to create the telephone?   In a world designed of checks and balances, it seems the imagination always sells short to reality, stability, and peace.  After all, we are creatures of comfort.

Does this mean that I'll stop dreaming?  Probably not.  Whether I consciously make the decision to stop or not, I know that my unconscious will likely return me to a state of imagination.  The difference is that I am choosing to not willingly let it run wild.  I plan to tame it into something that works for me, something that won't disappoint, something that I can be at peace with. 

Thirty (days) 'til I'm thirty (years old)

This year marks my 30th birthday.  That's a long time since I've been born.  I've had a chance to reflect on things I've accomplished so far, so here are fifteen things that I am grateful for accomplishing before I turned thirty, and fifteen things that I look forward to in my next thirty years (all in no particular order).

1) Graduating College -  Need I say more?  I spent my most formative years shaping myself into the person that I am today, and graduation was the culmination of it all.  Besides, it's hard to find a quality job without a diploma.  Unless you are Bill Gates, which I am not.

2) Being financially responsible -  I have my parents to thank for this.  Because of them, I've always been able to be financially sound.  I've had multiple jobs, but was always able to pay the rent / mortgage, buy a car, etc. because they taught me how to save. 

3) Keeping the faith - After all of these years, I still believe in God.  He's seen me through everything, thick and thin, death, and new life.  I know and truly believe in the power of prayer.

4) Hitting the lotto -  Well, not literally.  But that's what Tommy says, "Baby, you hit the lotto when you met me." (Granted, that line in and of itself is stolen from my father-in-law)  And well, if I must admit it, I do have an awesome companion.  The day I married Tommy, I set myself up for a lifetime of good times, laughter, challenges, trials and errors, that leaves me frazzled at the end of the day sometimes.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything.  He's an extremely hard worker, determined, a committed father, and never falls short on helping out on the household chores.  But most of all, he loves and cares for me and it shows -- and when you have that, hardly anything else matters.

5) Completing a half marathon -  I completed my biggest physical challenge this year after dedicating three months to training for the event.  It wasn't easy, but I learned two very important life lessons as a result: 1) You can do anything you've set your mind out to do, and 2) My sister will ALWAYS have my back no matter what.

6) Having kids - For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to have kids, but more so than that, I wanted to have them before I turned thirty.  I have two beautiful daughters now who light up my life, and I'm glad that I can be the active, young mother that I've always wanted to be with them.

7) Making time for friends -  The world is a lonely place without friends.  The older I get, the more true this seems, especially to someone who spends most of the day with her kids, and only her kids.  I'm glad that I've been able to connect with my friends, still enjoy having lunch here and there, and maintain a piece of my own identity that doesn't necessarily include my immediate family.

8) Standing up for what I believe in - I have said and done a lot of things in my life, but here is one thing that I always strive to do.  When I am faced with a hard decision or when I am asked for my opinion, I always try to keep things honest, even if it means that it makes me come off as blunt, strange, or combative.  I admit that, as a result, conflict may arise, but you can't be afraid to let yourself be heard.  Besides, dishonesty brings about a whole slew of bad things, like distrust, disappointment, and hurt. 

9) Finding love - It's what we all seek to find, right?  It's that feeling that makes us feel whole inside.  I have found it many times in my own life, expected and unexpected.  But no matter which, I am always intrigued how love can grow inside of me for the people that I hold most dear.  The heart knows no boundaries, and sets no limits.

10) Beating to my own drum - Sure, some might have described me as awkward in school.  I was that tall, loudmouth tomboy that, seemingly, didn't have much in common with anyone.  I am still that person, and although others may frown upon it, I like to celebrate my uniqueness.  Who cares if girly things still make me cringe or that I still have a tendency to have more things to talk about with the guys rather than the girls?  It's who I am, and I'm perfectly fine with that!

11) Learning new things - My love for learning didn't stop when I finished school.  My mind is curious, as are my hands.  I'm grateful that I've nurtured learning and haven't stopped finding things that I don't know how to do, but intrigue me.  It's why I am trying to teach myself how to play piano, it's how I learned to knit less than two years ago, and it's why I am always trying to find out more about the world around me.

12) Putting on the apron - One of my favorite things to do, the older I get,  is to cook.  It's one of the best ways that I can show my family just how much I love them. I owe my skill and talent to my mom, who is the best cook that I know, and who I used to watch cook for us tirelessly, and with love.  All of those hours in the kitchen, just watching her, paid off!

13) Maintaining my health - I have been on both sides of the tracks.  For a few years, leading up to and after my pregnancies, I watched myself get bigger... not gigantically so, but enough to be unhappy.  I took control of the reins almost a year and a half ago, and vowed to be more proactive so that this would never happen again. I ate right most of the time, and more importantly, I exercised. I realized how important it was for me to be healthy, not just for the physical benefits, but mentally and emotionally as well.  Staying healthy = taking care of me on all levels. 

14) Being born in September - Granted, I had little to do with this choice, but I am still glad nonetheless.  I am not a devout believer in astrology by any means, but ask any Virgo, or anyone who KNOWS a Virgo well, and you would see that I've got all the characteristics of one.  I may not be perfect, but I will always be a perfectionist, organized, responsible, and yes, a little neurotic at times.   But I can't imagine myself otherwise.   I may drive you nuts, but just know that it's out of my control.  Heck, I know quite a few Virgos really well myself, and yes, they do drive me nuts at times too.  :)

15) Embracing my heritage - I'm proud of who I am.  My parents got married at a time when interracial marriages were not as status quo like they are today.  When I went to school, there weren't many bi-racial kids.  At times, I felt like I didn't fit in.  When it came to checking a single box on standardized tests, I often felt frustrated.  I wasn't "White" and I wasn't "Asian".  I resorted to "Other", because I felt like if I checked anything other than that, I would be denying my other half.  Call it silly if you want, but I hated that.  I'm glad that interracial marriages are becoming more common now, and that people are starting to be more receptive to the changing faces in America.  I hope the world continues to become more tolerant, especially since my own kids are a hodgepodge of nationalities from around the world.  I can only hope that they, too, will be proud of where they came from and never feel like they have to choose. 

And in the years to come...

1) Watching my kids grow up into adults -  This has to be one of the greatest things that I look forward to in the coming thirty years.  Seeing the investment that my husband and I have put into our kids, and watching them grow into productive members of society as they form their own identities will be both intriguing and rewarding.

2) Reading more -  When I was younger, I used to read all of the time.  I rarely find the time to do that anymore.  I hope to resume one of my favorite past times when the time allows.

3) Going back to work - Strange, huh?  I like work though.  I like keeping my mind busy, learning new things, helping others, and interacting with the adult world.  I can't wait to get back in the driver's seat once my kids start going to school full time.

4) Keeping life simple - This may be only relative, since it seems like my life is only constantly getting busier as my kids grow older, but I look forward to striving for a simpler life.  I am hoping that living out in the country helps that, where nothing else sounds better than rocking on the porch swing, with soft music on in the background.

5) Gaining wisdom -  This is a no-brainer (wait... how can gaining wisdom be a no-brainer?!?). ;)  Going along with learning new things, I'm excited to see what age and experience will do to contribute to my wisdom.

6) Seeing the world -  I can't wait to do my share of traveling.  There are a ton of places that I want to see.  Granted, it's a little difficult with young children, but like they say, "Good things come to those who wait."  When the time is right, I plan on seeing Europe, Asia, and as much of North America as possible.

7) Providing guidance - Naturally, I always want to be there for my kids when they have a problem.  But I look forward to the day when they come looking to me for help.  I like the idea of being that person whom they can confide in, and offering suggestions and solutions to make things better.  I hope that we establish enough trust in our relationships that they will never question that I will see them through anything that they are going through. 

8) Creating and preserving memories -  This is something that I know I can do.  I want to create as many wonderful experiences and moments for my kids, and document them, either by taking pictures, videos, or writing about them.  I hope that by doing so, they will always remember how special they are to me and how much I love them, even after I'm gone.

9) Meeting my grandchildren - Perhaps this might be a little presumptive.  People are waiting longer and longer to get married and have kids -- I'm not sure what the status quo will be when my kids are young adults, but I figure that since they will be 34 and 32 by the end of my next thirty years, I am bound to have at least one grandchild by then.  I hope.  :)

10) New and improved technology - Let's face it, technology is already astounding.  I am constantly amazed by the way it has changed our lives, made things more convenient, and has assisted in medicine. My parent's generation are always pointing out, "Remember when television was black and white?" (etc., etc.)  Well, I wonder if and when I will be asking similar questions like, "Remember when we used to use cell phones?  Remember when we drove cars on the road?"  I am confident that I will one day ask questions like that, that will instantly age me.

11) Aging gracefully - More than just physically, I hope that the next thirty years bring about detoxification in my life.  I want to work on de-stressing, becoming more patient, gentle, and having a more positive outlook on the world around me. 

12) New experiences -  There are many things that I want to try but just haven't gotten around to yet, like kayaking, fishing, skiing... the list could go on and on.  The great thing about this is that I know that these are just around the bend.  

13) Being more green - Over the past few years, I have been trying to be more green, but in the coming years, I intend to increase my efforts as much as I can.  Moving past just recycling, I hope to own a hybrid or electric vehicle, install solar panels on my next home, more consistently use recyclable shopping bags,  and be more mindful of the products I use and the effects it has on the environment.  The bottom line is that I want the Earth to be a great place to live for many more generations to come.

14) Slowing down - As the kids grow older, my responsibilities for them will eventually become less and less. I look forward to being able to re-focus some of that time back to myself.

15) Preparing for my next 30 years -  God willing...

Being true

"Never apologize for showing feeling.  When you do so, you apologize for the truth."   

~Benjamin Disraeli

I have been apologetic on a number of occasions in the past, especially during times when I am feeling sensitive or vulnerable.  However, I have come to appreciate acknowledging the truth, accepting my feelings for what they are, instead of trying to push them off because it seemed like the easier thing to do.  Granted, the truth is not easy when feelings are complicated, and there is seemingly nothing that you can do with what you feel.  But I am done with hiding and pretending that they don't exist.  It feels dishonest and usually leaves me frustrated instead.  So please excuse me if I'm frank.  I just can't help what I feel.

Feel the rush

I'm feeling empowered today.  Making a commitment to work out three days in a row, with no intention of stopping can do that to you.  Perhaps that is what was lacking the past several weeks when I was feeling helpless.  Maybe I needed to just channel that energy through exercise.  You always hear about the natural rush of endorphins that travel through your body after a workout.  That is SO true.  I may feel a little tired, but I ALWAYS feel good afterward.  So today I am going to conquer my little world.  I am going to get things done, I'm going to organize my life, but most important of all, I'm going to ENJOY it.   :)

Who am I?

"If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything."

And fall I did...  I fell hard and fast, not for a lack of wanting to take a stand.  Instead, I watched myself crumble into a crying heap on the couch, knowing that I just had to take it, whether I deserved it or not.  

Why is it that doing the right thing sometimes means you have to swallow all of your dignity?  I feel like I don't have a shred left, but deep down I know that what I did needed to be done for the overall greater good.  I usually don't have a problem with doing the right thing, but for some reason, my most recent choice leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  I feel sick. 

I have humbled myself in a way that I didn't know I was capable of, and didn't stand up for myself.  Everything I believed flew out the window and I allowed myself to be railroaded.  I'm not sure who I really am anymore...  Is it really possible that I could have made such a decision?  Me -- the girl who ALWAYS speaks her mind?  I've disappointed myself and yet, somewhere, somehow, I should be happy.  Should.  I guess I won't know until I feel it. 

Bend in the road

"The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you refuse to take the turn."

~Anonymous

How true that is…  It’s another thing that I should remind myself every single day.  Sometimes when we don’t get our way, or things don’t go exactly to plan, calling it quits seems like the easier thing to do.  And maybe it is, though maybe more cowardly as well. 

Life is an adventure.  There’s not always a clear-cut path that leads you straight to where you want to go.  I’ve found that my relationships are characterized by various twists and turns, and sometimes, it takes a lot of bravery on my part to stay the course.  When it comes to those who matter the most to me, I find myself wanting to take the turn, refusing to surrender to what might seem like an impossible situation.  I would rather be susceptible to failure than to not try at all.  That’s part of living and it’s part of a winning mentality.  While determination may not always equate to success, it does consist of an undying spirit that certainly makes things that seem impossible, possible.  That’s a chance worth fighting for, and one that I am willing to take. 

Escape

I found myself driving in circles this morning.  I was out running errands with the girls, and as I approached my house, I realized that I just wasn't ready to go home quite yet.  Instead of slowing down as I neared the drive, I hit the gas pedal and drove the back roads near my house.  I don't know why, but I felt like if I went home, I would feel trapped in my reality, which has been plagued with bad vibes lately.  Call it denial or procrastination, but I kept on driving, and for those extra minutes that I was in the car, I felt free and alive. 

When I used to feel this way when I was younger, I would go to the beach, which was plausible since I lived right next to it for the first 22 years of my life.  I would sit down and dig my feet into the sand and stare out at the ocean for hours, letting my mood drift as the waves came crashing in.  Unfortunately, distance and responsibility for people other than myself prevents me from returning to the place that used to bring me comfort and ease.  More often than not, the only escape that I have is driving my car and drowning myself in music.  And even though it's not the most ideal scenario, I still enjoy it immensely. 

I think I foresaw what was bound to happen when I kept driving this morning.  Because sure enough, the minute I stepped foot in my house, I felt this rush traveling through my body and immediately I felt like my mind was playing tricks on me.  It doubted anything and everything that was good, and transformed it all into negative energy.  It didn't matter that I'm smart enough to know better.  Even as I sit here, trying to think everything through logically, things don't feel right.  I think it's hard to find clarity when you're trapped in a box, at least this is true for me.  I know now that sometimes the open road is what I need to be set free. I look forward to my next journey.

Keeping the focus

I was aggravated last night.  I slept terrible. The kids are sick, and for that matter, I am too.  But that all doesn't matter.  Today is a new day and I am starting fresh.

I am chanting in the back of my head, "Think positive thoughts, think positive thoughts, think positive thoughts..."

Things will never get better if I continue to look at everything that is wrong.  So today, I have challenged myself to shun everything that has been troubling me, and to keep the faith that things will get better.  At the very least, good things happen when you start off with the right mentality, so I plan on being receptive to whatever life has to offer me.

I will focus on the things that make me happy.  The smiles on my daughters' faces, uncontrollable laughter, the quirks of country living, volleyball, big hugs, enveloping my life in music, sharing feelings, back scratches, and adoring eyes. And if that's not enough, I'll find even more things until nothing else matters.

Eet

REGINA SPEKTOR

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to feel the beat

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

You spent half of your life trying to fall behind
You're using your headphones to drown out your mind
It was so easy, and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

Someone's deciding whether or not to steal
He opens the window just to feel the chill
He hears that outside a small boy just starting to cry
'Cause it's his turn but his brother won't let him try

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet

It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat

Making the right decision

"You're so fragile I know
Some things we cannot control
I am so selfish it shows
I just can't let go
Tell me three little lies
Everything is alright
It tears me all up inside"

THE LAST GOODNIGHT

Life is a delicate balancing act.  When faced with a hard decision, I consider all options, weighing the good and bad together in the hope that I make the right choice.  Sometimes, the correct choice stands out and there is little questioning involved.  Other times, it's a lot more complicated than that -- doing the right thing can really hurt, and doing the wrong thing can seem like a good choice at first.  But perhaps the most difficult, is when you make a decision, and then you begin to doubt that it was the right choice after all.

It's very easy for the lines to blur.  Emotion can easily cloud judgment, and when that happens, you might as well just show reason out the door.  Feelings have a way of taking over, and despite any good intentions of remaining level-headed, sometimes it's virtually impossible to make a decision without considering your feelings, no matter how much you may want to exclude them.  Maybe decisions ARE supposed to be made with not only logic and reason, but with emotion too. Maybe that's why it's so hard sometimes to decide what's best.  That makes sense to me.  Besides, I know that if all else fails, I can always trust my instincts.  Those are rarely wrong.

Once a writer...

always a writer...

When I was younger, I used to keep a journal.  It started in 8th grade and continued through my 3rd year of college. Like most young girls, it held all my most private thoughts and feelings, some of which I can't help but smile and laugh at.  When I moved a few months ago, I shredded that part of my life away, never to be discovered by anyone.  I'm glad I did, even though a little part of me is wistful that my written record of that period in my life is now gone.

It's funny how technology changes things. I can't really imagine keeping a journal anymore.  While I still like to write, I prefer to not do it by hand.  Instead, I've become one with my laptop, and that's how my blogs came to be.  While they aren't nearly as personal or revealing as my journals used to be, I enjoy being able to have a place to clear my head and share all my triumphs and trials. The best part of it all is that I have no intention of deleting them forever, so I will always have a record to keep, inasmuch the internet continues to exist.

I'm grateful to have Trail as my sounding board, especially when I feel like I need to talk, but feel like I have nobody to talk to.  True, it may be almost like talking to myself, but that's okay.  What's most important is that I've come to appreciate and embrace the process of my own self-discovery.  And that is something that I can't ever imagine laughing at or taking for granted.

Stand up for change

 

"Don't limit the view of life by what happened today, or what happened yesterday, or what you think may happen tomorrow. Each moment is its own, and we are constantly creating it."

 My friend had this posted yesterday, and immediately it spoke to me.  It was as if it was posted specifically for me to read it and to remind me that I've got to take control of my own destiny (to the extent that that is possible anyway).  It is easy to get wrapped up in pessimism, to be discouraged, and to feel like nothing is ever going to change.  I admit that lately I have been guilty of feeling this way, so I couldn't have read this at a more appropriate time.  

If I want things to change, I can't be scared to stand up for what I believe in... what I feel passionately about.  Sometimes it is necessary to be a little bit selfish.  Too often I'm worried about everyone else -- how things will affect their lives and their own feelings -- that I often leave myself behind feeling trapped and incapable of being honest about my true feelings.  I need to start making myself a priority.  Indeed, when I look at that statement from the outside, I am a little embarrassed.  It makes me feel self-centered.  Ugh.  However, the truth is that deep down inside, I cannot give to my full potential until I focus on being at peace with my life each and every day.  I've got to learn to let go of things dragging me down, no matter how hard that may be.  Life is never easy, but it is adaptable, or so I've realized.  So it is with this in mind that I vow to take charge of my life -- to stop letting things just happen to me, and instead, make things happen for myself. 

Build a wall

I feel like such a girl today.  I know that sounds funny since I am technically a girl and all, but it's seemingly out of character for me.  I'm used to being in control of my feelings, but lately, my vulnerability is getting the best of me.  And I hate not being able to control them when I'm unable to change the circumstances that got me feeling out of control in the first place.  

Does that make sense?  

I am not heartless or cold.  I would like to think that I'm warm most of the time,  happy, and capable of expressing love freely without feeling like I need to be in 'control'.  But when sadness, frustration, or despair comes knocking on my door, I hate feeling vulnerable.  My first instinct is to build a brick wall to keep that from infiltrating my life, but instead, I am finding that I just crumble. 

There must be a happy medium somewhere.  Something to fit the space between being in and out of control.  But where and what is that?  And while I ponder that, I'll  wrap this up with one of my favorite David Matthews song, appropriately titled:

The Space Between

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

 

All the broken pieces

Tonight my four year old broke my heart into a million pieces. Not because of something she did and not because she was being bad. Instead, she confirmed my worst fears... she said something out of the blue, and spilled her guts.

One of the most terrible feelings as a parent is having the inability to fix something that is wrong. It is my job to protect her, not just from physical harm, but ugly things that she shouldn't have to hear or know about. It's been almost two months now since the battle started, and I know that we've really reached the breaking point when her eyes started welling up with tears and she started sobbing in my arms. And all I could do was rock her in my arms, trying to console her while my own tears started to spill down my cheeks.

I am at a loss. I have no control. I don't know how to fix things. A feeling of desperation has increasingly haunted me the last few weeks, as I watch the innocence and trust in her eyes transition to hurt. She doesn't understand, and I can't blame her. I don't really understand it all myself. All I know is that I would do anything to take away her hurt feelings and pile them on top of my own confusion and hurt, even though I feel like I can hardly take any more myself. But no burden is ever too great. My love is unconditional, my determination is real. I won't stop rallying on behalf of my daughters until everything is right again.

Put me at ease

I'm sitting up in bed in my hotel room in Palo Alto.  It is quiet.  The girls are lying in the bed beside mine fast asleep (finally).  And, well, hubby fell asleep before the kids did. This is the first time I've had a chance to truly relax and reflect in peace and solitude, and even though I'm in a strange place and a different bed under not-so-great circumstances, I am surprisingly serene.

The day was laden with stress, packing, and making quick last-minute arrangements to get here.  It was pretty chaotic.  So much so that as I lay here awake, I'm shocked by my mental focus and general ease.  It's a far cry from yesterday, so I plan to enjoy this moment for as long as I can, for I am sure it is only a matter of time before I feel like I am going into a tailspin all over again.

P.S. I discovered the latest album by Needtobreathe just yesterday. Since then, I've already listened to the album in its entirety several times.  It's that good.  It's perfect for times like this where I am feeling contemplative.  And well, I just love this song.  It strikes a chord in my life and just feels very personal to me.  As such, I have no choice but to share.

Something Beautiful

by Needtobreathe

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful 

I want...

want 

intransitive verb 

1 : to be needy or destitute
2 : to have or feel need s for friends>
3 : to be necessary or needed
4 : to desire to come, go, or be s in> s out of the deal>transitive verb 1 : to fail to possess especially in customary or required amount : lack ed courtesy>
2 a : to have a strong desire for ed a chance to rest> b : to have an inclination to : like efficient>
3 a : to have need of : require s a tune-up> b : to suffer from the lack of
4 : ought —used with the infinitive
5 : to wish or demand the presence of
6 : to hunt or seek in order to apprehend ed for murder>

I want. It is overwhelming me.  It's like having an itch that you just can't scratch.  

My want has nothing to do with material items.  What I want, money can't buy.  I want what, at this point, I seemingly cannot have.  And I'm frustrated.

I want peace.  I want the void in my life to be filled.  I want to do what feels right to me.  And if I can't have these things, I want the strength to make it through the day without feeling like a piece of me is missing.  

These Hard Times

by Needtobreathe

Give me something brighter
Give me something I can see
Give me something vicious
Give me something I can be
Give me all the love and peace
To end these wars
Give me something sacred
Something worth fighting for

It's clear enough to me
The ugliness I see
Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer
Give me a way out
Give me the faith
To believe in these hard times

Give me motivation
Give me all my heart's desires
Show me something gorgeous
Show me till my eyes get tired
Give me all the drums and
Show me how to play them loud
Show me how to move
When I can't feel that you're around

It's clear enough to me
The ugliness I see
Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer
Give me a way out
Give me the faith
To believe in these hard times

We hide like theives in shadows
Scared of the sun
We know the light will find us
Us and all we've done

Give me an answer
Give me a way out
Give me the faith
To believe in these hard times

No more diversions

I'm getting out of the house for the third time tonight.  Still, I can't ease the unrest.  That's the thing about diversions.  Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to ignore your problems, they keep coming back to the forefront until it is dealt with properly.  And so it seems to be with me.

My life is a jumbled mess right now.  I feel like I am being attacked from all different angles, and I am not sure which side to address first.  The minute I go about my life unsuspecting, I get slapped again with something new to deal with.  

My heart feels burdened.

I need some peace.

I wish you enough

I got this forward from my dad.  It meant a lot to me, especially with everything that I've been going through.  It made me both sad and happy.

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together
at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father
said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more
than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I
wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The Father walked
over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I
could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude
on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever
say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but
why is this a forever good-bye?'..

'I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges
ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,'
he said.

'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you
enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed
down from other generations. My parents used to say it to
everyone...' He paused a moment and looked up as if trying
to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said,
'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have
a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.' Then
turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were
reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter
how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and
everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in
life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you
possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour
to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life
to forget them.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE....

To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH.

I'm sinking...

I have been in a slump for two days now.  I can't fight off the negative energy that has consumed my life.  Among other things, I feel:

Stressed

Crazy

Numb

Sad

Confused

Worried

I am not sure what purpose these feelings serve in my life right now.  I am in desperate need of lifting.  I have no idea where to start.  : (

Calling all adults!

Oh, my life.  I wonder how it can be so many things, how it can present so many different situations along the way, and provoke so many emotions. Charmed?  Yes.  Busy?  Always. Complicated?  Definitely.

And so it is now just like any other day.  I am swamped with a million different things to do... I'm still unpacking, still training for another 10K, assembling, mothering and potty training a toddler, cleaning, and running errands.  God help me.  And even though I have enough to keep me busy for a long, long time, I can't fight this lonely feeling.  

It's odd, really.  Most of my life, I spent being the introvert -- keeping to myself, shy and quiet.  Now, the older I get, the more I crave adult interaction.  I think it's the only thing that makes me really feel grounded -- that I serve a purpose and am more than just someone who takes care of two little ones.  I find myself needing that escape more and more, and I wonder if feeling this way is healthy or not.  Nevertheless, the feeling remains.  

And just when I thought I was getting comfortable clearing my head here, the kids come bounding into the room.  So long adult world.  I hope to see you soon.

D is for Discipline

That is what I will attempt to have as I head into summer.  Now that I am no longer running like a mad woman (and yes, for all you naysayers out there, finishing a half marathon has not changed my mind -- I still don't like running), it's time to be stricter with my diet.  ((shudder))  Yikes, did I just say that?!?

During my training for my half marathon, I was reckless.  I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  Granted, part of it was because I was busy moving and packing for two months and didn't have much time to cook, but the other part of me thought, "Why not?"  After all, I was burning calories left and right with all of that running.  Admittedly, that is dangerous for me.  I got used to consuming a higher caloric intake that now 1400-1500 calories a day sounds - well - SAD.  Not a great situation for a person who enjoys food.

Part of the problem is that summer is a slow time in my workout regimen.  It's terribly hard to be motivated when it is 100+ degrees outside, and anyone who really knows me can vouch that when I get really hot, I'm just plain irritable.  And even though I pretty much have my own home gym, complete with a few free weights, treadmill, and a brand spanking new elliptical machine, I am afraid that I won't be working out as often as I would like as my exercise room happens to be in the one place of my new house where there is no air ventilation except for windows.  And, well, open windows in the summertime are pointless.  Thank goodness I have my year-round indoor volleyball league to keep me active!

Back to the diet.  Today is the day that I start being hungry again.  Granted, the first few days will be the roughest as I train my body that I no longer need so many calories.  On a positive note though, I am doing well so far, eating whole grains, plenty of protein, and grapefruit, thanks to the abundant tree in my front yard. But if there is one thing that I learned after completing a half marathon, it is that I can do anything that I set my mind to. All it takes is heart and discipline.  If you want it, make it happen!  The sky is the limit.

You know what's odd? 

The way feelings can change from one day to the next.

I'm not talking about those temporary situations in which you've had a bad day, and as a result, it makes you mad or angry with anyone that comes into your warpath.  Instead, I am referring to the times that are actually rather inexplicable... where there is no undeniable cause that has perpetuated what you are feeling. But suddenly, without warning, you realize that you feel differently about someone than you did the day before.  And you know what's even more odd?  When your feelings decide that what you originally felt was indeed true, and so they decide to pull a switcheroo.  

Perhaps it's all just a sign of confusion -- that's the only reasonable explanation that I can come up with.  Hmmm, or maybe doubt.  Maybe the one thing we need to prevent that from happening is the confidence and security of knowing that regardless of actions (or lack thereof), what we feel is real.  No more second-guessing.  

That is my goal.

THAT'S my fortune?!?

My fortune of the day:  Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back.

Ha ha ha.

I'm not sure why this seems so ironic, but it does, especially on a day like this where the pitter patter of the rain falling and mellow music playing in the background has already set the stage for a contemplative mood, which almost always involves looking back (though not necessarily regretting).   And even though it is cold outside, I've gone so far as to open the windows so that the smell of rain can encapsulate my house. 

The truth of the matter is that reflection is therapeutic for me.  If I never looked back, how can I make wise decisions in the future?  Life is a learning experience, but choosing to ignore everything that got me where I am today means that I would end up learning things the hard way all over again.  And in my opinion, there is nothing smart about that. 

So now I'm left with only one question:  Who writes these fortunes anyway?

I did it!

That's right, I did it!  I finished the race.  I went, I saw, and I conquered.  And it didn't come easy either.

Preface:  I got hardly any sleep the night before.  Not for a lack of trying either.  I originally tried going to bed at 8:30 p.m., especially since we had the girls in the same room as us.  But the girls were much too excited about all of us sleeping together, that by the time we all fell asleep, it was closer to 10:00 p.m..  The second thing I learned?  Kiara is a bed hog.  I have no clue how my 2 year old found a way to take over the full size bed we were sharing, but she managed to do that in style.  I spent most of the night sleeping on the edge of the bed.  But that wasn't the worst thing.  At 12:30 a.m. I awoke due to people running up and down the stairs which our motel room was conveniently located right next to.  This was followed by loud male voices, yelling at each other.  I remember looking at my cell phone (my clock) every half an hour after that as the noise continued.  Until of course, the final straw.  At 3:30 a.m., I heard a banging on the door next to our room, followed by, "Sheriff's Department!  Open up!"  which lasted 10 minutes because the people inside refused to open the door.   I didn't fall back asleep until 4 am. and then I woke up at 5:20 a.m. so that I could get ready and catch the bus leaving at an adjacent hotel at 6 a.m.  Groan.

Now to the race.

It started off great.  Teresa and I kept a nice even pace going while I watched mile after mile pass by.  I remember thinking to myself, "This is easy. We have this."  Yes, I even felt that way as we headed up Corkscrew Hill between miles 6-7.  I knew there was going to be a steep incline, but nothing could have prepared me for what we encountered.  It was a lot more steep than I could have imagined!  When we passed by mile marker 8, I remembered feeling great, and not tired at all... little did I know that only a mile later I would be feeling completely different.

It was at mile 9 that I felt my left calf start to tweak.  By that I mean that it felt like I was about to get a charley horse.  I know the feeling... I've spent most of my adolescent and adult life with them.  The intense pain in my calf that I spent many nights waking up to felt like it was on the verge of happening.  Before mile 10, my right calf felt that way too.

I should have figured this would happen.  A week ago, when I ran 10 miles, my calves started giving out on me at 9.5 miles and I had to walk the last .5 mile of that run.  Nevertheless, I continued to run, but my pace started to slow dramatically.  I was disappointed, but I knew that I couldn't speed back up.  Everytime I did, my calves threatened to wreak havoc, and I knew if that happened, the likelihood of me finishing would be slim to none.  I almost felt my calves pull 10-15 times in the last four miles. I told my sister to go on ahead without me.  I was holding her back.  She was adamant though, that we started this journey together and that we going to finish it together too.  What would I do without my sister?  I love her!

My jog continued up until mile 13.  I was so CLOSE to finishing... just .1 mile left.  This is where I was supposed to be sprinting to the finish.  Instead, it was at this very moment that my left quad, just above my knee severely cramped, and I could no longer jog.  I winced with pain, and tears fell.   I remember feeling so disappointed.  I felt like I failed myself and my sister.  This wasn't how I imagined my finish to be.  I didn't feel tired, but my legs were giving up on me.  I stopped on the side of the course, where Teresa helped me to stretch for about a minute.  But as I started to move forward again, I realized that I couldn't even really walk.  So instead I limped, my arm threaded through my sisters as she helped support me.  As we came to the last 100 yards, she helped me jog in to the finish, where I crossed the line with her beside me.

Words can't really describe my feeling of accomplishment despite the problems that I've encountered along the way.  And while my victory is bittersweet, I am glad that I had this experience, that I finished what I set out to do, and was committed to it until the very end. 

And the results are in... here is how I finished:

Bib

FName

LName

City

State

Div

Leg1

Leg2

Pace

2730

Pamela

Zarate

Selma

CA

25-29 Female

Age	Sex	ChipTime	ClockTime	Overall	SexPl	DivPl
29	F	2:25:35.9	2:26:40.6	1400	887	173