Tonight my four year old broke my heart into a million pieces. Not because of something she did and not because she was being bad. Instead, she confirmed my worst fears... she said something out of the blue, and spilled her guts.
One of the most terrible feelings as a parent is having the inability to fix something that is wrong. It is my job to protect her, not just from physical harm, but ugly things that she shouldn't have to hear or know about. It's been almost two months now since the battle started, and I know that we've really reached the breaking point when her eyes started welling up with tears and she started sobbing in my arms. And all I could do was rock her in my arms, trying to console her while my own tears started to spill down my cheeks.
I am at a loss. I have no control. I don't know how to fix things. A feeling of desperation has increasingly haunted me the last few weeks, as I watch the innocence and trust in her eyes transition to hurt. She doesn't understand, and I can't blame her. I don't really understand it all myself. All I know is that I would do anything to take away her hurt feelings and pile them on top of my own confusion and hurt, even though I feel like I can hardly take any more myself. But no burden is ever too great. My love is unconditional, my determination is real. I won't stop rallying on behalf of my daughters until everything is right again.
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