What are you investing in?

in⋅vest⋅ment 

-noun

devoting, using, or giving of time, talent, emotional energy, etc., as for a purpose or to achieve something

Let's talk about investments -- and not the financial kind.  I'm talking about the kind when you begin to feel that you've become way too invested in something. You know that you are when that 'thing' starts to consume every minute of your waking day and you feel like it is taking control of your life.  You're stressed, fatigued or emotionally drained to the point where you begin to question, what are you investing in?

It's at this point that it is time to stop.  Easier said than done -- I know.  Especially for my anything-can-stress-me-out self.  But if you can, do it, and then reassess the situation at hand.  Are you investing too much?  Are you investing in the right thing?  Is your 'stock' too risky?  Is it really worth it?  All personal entanglements aside -- can you logically justify your investment?  Meet any of those questions with hesitation, and that is likely a sign that something is wrong with your investment.  

Hmmmm... okay, so what to do once you recognize a problem?

Slowly and carefully extricate any emotions tied up in your investment, and then start making changes - STAT.  Hopefully, you can salvage most of what you had and turn it into something profitable.  Of course you may not be able to make a full recovery -- that's what happens when you take a risk -- but at least you'll get 'you' back.  And that is ALWAYS worth it.

Year in review

The end of the year is always about taking a moment to reflect.  Things that you've accomplished, stuff that has happened, people you've met, and wishes and hopes for the coming year.  And like any other, this year is no exception.  I am filled with awe when I think about 2009 -- how despite how fast it seems to have passed, there were so many changes taking place within me and around me.  If someone asked me at the beginning of the year if I envisioned myself where I would be at the end of the year, I would have to say, "Not quite."  Not in a bad way.  It's just that it's been more unexpected and emotional than I would have ever thought.

I have made mistakes.  I laughed.  I cried.  I loved.  I have taken long strides.  I set new goals. I accomplished them. I have come a long way.

Granted, this year was more challenging than others in recent past.  Raising two toddlers is not an easy feat.  Neither is losing thirty pounds. Both have taken lots of hard work, dedication, and love for my kids and myself.  I learned to push through the pain and the insanity.  And sometimes, no matter what I do, I still feel like I am going crazy.  That will probably never change.  Nevertheless, I am grateful for every day that I am given to strive, persevere, embrace, and cherish.  

I know the coming year is bound to present new challenges, and definite changes.  Each year does.  But more so than that, I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be a defining year for me, and not because it's the year that I turn thirty.  I can sense that new levels of self-discovery are on the horizon.  Sure, there will always be uncertainty.  My life is everything but predictable.  But that doesn't change my willingness to accept what comes my way.  I look forward to seeing what's in store for this crazy thing we call my life.

Time to take a breath

December is a blur.  It is for me anyway.  Baking, shopping, parties, wrapping, Christmas concerts, preparing, knitting, decorating and packing.  It's no wonder that by the end of the year I am exhausted.  But more than that, I have found this to be true:  This month has a way of alienating me from those that I care about up until Christmas, when -- KABOOM -- normality starts to settle back in.  It's kind of ironic that the weeks leading up to Christmas, I am way too busy doing all of the things I listed FOR the people that I love, and yet, finding a moment to share with them is nearly impossible.

It kind of makes me sad actually.

It's my least favorite thing about the Christmas season.  Everyone's so busy that nobody has time for each other, and being busy is only a facade for the void that is felt within.  So even though I still have a million things to do before Christmas, I can't wait for it all to be over.  I miss my family.  I miss my friends.  And believe it or not, I actually kind of miss my regular, humdrum life.

Music dumping

I have spent the past two days dumping a ton of music into my brand new laptop...  6 gigs worth to be exact.  And I plan on adding more because - quite simply - I'm addicted to it.  Sure, there are skeptics out there (who shall remain nameless) who just don't understand how music can play such an important role in the life of a person who doesn't know how to read music or play an instrument.   But if you could ever envision such a person, it would be me.

I eat, sleep and breathe music. To this day, I still can hear a song and place it to a specific memory.  I've got a song for every feeling and every thought.  It gets me through everything.  And the music selection ranges from the "F-yeah!" to the mellow -- a complete hodgepodge to perfectly reflect what my life is like  (which is currently a huge, jumbled mess). 

You see, I'm like my hard drive.  Things constantly get dumped on me, until the day when I reach my capacity.  That's when I begin to purge myself of all the things that just aren't necessary in my life: negativity, uncertainty, stress... until there is more space for it to come sneaking back up on me again.  It's a vicious cycle.   This is why I rejoice through song.  It calms, comforts, frees, and uplifts me to get me through this complicated path we call -- LIFE.  Anyone who would trade something that has the power to do all that for something else is crazy.

Giving thanks (in rhyme)

Thanks for friends, old and new 

My family tried and true 

Hope amidst despair 

Comfort, warmth, and care 

Faith in times of doubt 

Life's ever-winding route 

Humor and my health 

And a heap of inner wealth 

Knowledge and perseverance 

Things I get on clearance 

A smile or a wink 

People who actually think 

The internet, back scratches, and my awesome bed 

All the little things I know that can go unsaid

All of these things and more make me thankful for my life

I am what I dreamed to be; a mother, sister, friend, and wife.

A happy addiction

I had a great weekend.  Not because anything spectacular happened per se -- in fact, it had the makings of being quite dreadful.  The youngest is still sick, and that coupled with her I-am-going-to-get-what-I-want-or-else-I-will-have-a-complete-meltdown-terrible-twos, meant that it could have been a LONG, horrific weekend.  And yet I managed to ignore the negativity.  Instead, I found myself floating through the weekend, weightless and carefree.  Nothing was going to get me down.  And why is that?

Because I felt happy. Unexplainably, undeniably, and inextricably happy.  And now I am addicted.

I can't put my finger quite on it.  Regular happy moments interspersed throughout the day is normal for me.  But a prolonged euphoric state is not.  And I know that there  is something out of the ordinary when,  at a party yesterday, my husband knocked over my drink and it spilled all over my pants.  Take that situation any other day at a party, and you could be certain that I would be at least slightly irritated and embarrassed.  But all I did (other than try to dry myself off as much as possible) was smile and say "wow".  I may have even laughed.  I just didn't care.  Nothing was going to get me down.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking that, in general, I am an unhappy person.  That is not what I am getting at. I love my life.  But feeling constantly happy and type-B no matter what obstacles present themselves, is not characteristic of my true nature.  It is pretty well known that I am a classic type-A Virgo who stresses quite easily.  And yet here I am, ready and willing to betray my inner self, searching for greener, I'm-on-top-of-the-world, pastures.  And for all you naysayers out there, I leave you with this -- so what if it isn't realistic? I can dream, can't I?

Life lessons to live by

I received this from a good friend yesterday and something moved within me that I just had to share it too. It was written by Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer in Cleveland, Ohio. 

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Do blogs have theme songs?

If they do, I've found the PERFECT song for this blog.  It describes to a "T" my outlook on life, the choices we have to make in our daily existence, moving past struggles and mistakes, and making the best and most out of the good things in life. 

World Wide Open

by Love and Theft

I need to move, I need to breathe
Shake the things that pull on me
Holding me down, slowing me down
I need to run, I need to fight
Let go of the things that I am holding onto
Maybe I need you

Just open up my eyes so I can see
It's always been there right in front of me

Roads...which one will I take?
There's a world wide open
This world wide open
Marks...which one will I make?
There's a world wide open
This world wide open

Everyday's an open page
A brand new start, a fresh clean slate
Given to me
Now it's up to me
Buy my best and lose my worst
Try to heal the things I've hurt
I need you, I know I need you

Make my mistakes and leave them in the past
Make the most of every chance I have

Roads...which one will I take?
There's a world wide open
This world wide open
Marks...which one will I make?
There's a world wide open
This world wide open

And when you grab it by the handles and dream
As its spilling over me
As its spilling over me...

Roads...which one will I take?
There's a world wide open
This world wide open
Marks...which one will I make?
There's a world wide open
This world wide open

Roads...which one will I take?
There's a world wide open
This world wide open
Marks...which one will I make?
There's a world wide open
This world wide open

The pros and cons of giving

“If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus.”

- Emma Goldman

Cons in giving?  That sounds terrible, right?  I'll be the first to admit that there are definite cons in giving.  I'm not speaking of material items, but of more intangible things that people appraise differently, like friendship, support, concern, love, advice, etc.  Unfortunately, there is no predetermined value, so lopsidedness is a definite, potential risk.

The pros of giving are obvious.  When you love someone, you will do anything in your power to give everything you have.  It makes you feel warm inside.  It gives you a feeling of lightness, fulfillment, of being needed and wanted.  When it is reciprocated, the top of the world is attainable.

When it isn't reciprocated, or when it is grossly lopsided, is when giving starts becoming tricky.  Continuing to give to a person who doesn't know how to give back starts to be less about the feeling of goodness that usually accompanies it, and more about testing that person to confirm or deny the feelings of doubt you have.  At that point, giving is practically pointless because it is being done with the wrong intentions in mind.  It is then, that a choice needs to be made.  You either choose to continue giving knowing that there is absolutely nothing in it for you, or you can burn that bridge.  I admire and respect those who decide on the former and continue to give because their love is enduring no matter what.  However, I can also respect those who choose the latter and give up.  I understand that feeling personally and sometimes it needs to be done to rid yourself of the negativity associated with that relationship. But ultimately, you should just do what feels right to yourself, and find peace with that. 

Truth and lies

"...and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."  John 8:32 

I hate dishonesty.  I LOATHE it.  I also hate feeling that someone is not being truthful, but not having the evidence to prove or disprove it.  I know there are plenty of people out there who have no problem lying, whether it be an all-out, blatant lie or lying by purposefully not admitting any wrongdoing.  I think there are more people comfortable with the latter, and I have to say that it is disheartening.

What are we saving or helping by lying?  Certainly not the person that is being lied to.  In fact, all it does is cause more destruction and hurt to the person than any piece of damaging truth could ever do.  So why has it become status quo to keep the peace, skirt around the truth, or conveniently leave out something potentially damaging?   Have we become so delusional that we have come to think that it is better to lie, than to stand up to the truth?

I don't understand it, and maybe I never will.  All I can do is my best to always tell the truth, no matter what, and that hopefully, others will do the same.  How liberating that would be...

Let's talk about the race card!

Last Wednesday, ANTM ran an episode that some people think was a mockery of people of different races. The models were directed to portray a "hapa", or someone who embodies half one race and half another.  And because a couple of the models didn't know much about the nationality they were portraying, some critics said that it, in essence, it only encouraged racism.  Here is one of many articles that was published about this:  http://omg.yahoo.com/news/americas-next-top-model-causes-a-stir-after-bi-racial-photo-shoot/30374.

I am irritated, but for a completely different reason.  I'm a "hapa" too -- half Taiwanese and half Italian.  For years, I have felt passionately about the fact that there isn't enough presence and recognition of the fact that there are millions of people out there in the world who celebrate a mixed heritage.  When I complete online surveys, and have to choose "Other" because I am being forced to choose one race over the other (White vs. Asian), I get extremely annoyed.  So, when I see this episode, all I want to do is applaud ANTM for trying to have people with mixed heritage embodied in their models.  Who cares if they were painted to appear darker than they are or were uncertain about the people they were portraying?  The fact of the matter is that they displayed beauty that is rarely seen on television -- and for that, I am appreciative.

Who are these people that disapprove of this anyway?  Are they people like me?  I doubt it.

Spending or saving? Saving by spending?

Yes, saving by spending!  The truth is that I am a saver at heart.  I've always been that way, ever since my paper route days.  Back then, it wasn't necessarily by choice, but I was critically shaped and molded during those earlier years to be responsible with my money.  Yeah, yeah, I know that sounds boring -- but it isn't I swear. You want to know why?  Because whenever it comes time to make a nice, big purchase, there's money in the bank.  And let's be real here... I have everything I really need.

I digress.  I'm not a hardcore shopper, but I am a deal-seeker, and if I see one, I go all out!  I've spent $148.55 the last two days at Old Navy.  It's not THAT much, but for me, it's a LOT more than I typically would spend at that store.  But when I walk out the door with 33 articles of clothing for that amount, I don't feel bad, terrible, or guilty.  I am enthralled.   Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I walked away with: For the hubby- A knit sweater, linen pants, and 2 graphic tees.  For the kids- 10 dresses, 2 pairs of pants, a shirt, and a pair of pajamas.  For myself - 7 shirts, 1 tank, 2 dresses, 2 sweater dresses, 2 pairs of pants, and a pair of jeans.  Oh, and did I mention that my jeans cost $1.50?!?!?!?!?!?!  I mean, really, you just can't pass that up.  Besides, I really NEEDED clothes for the fall and winter since I don't have very many that fit since losing 30 pounds.

So, if I was going to have to spend money anyway on things that we needed, I  have essentially saved us a TON of money.  Awesome.  And for those of you who know me best, this really isn't TOO out of the ordinary for me.  I still can't remember the last time I paid for toothpaste, contact lens solution, toothbrushes, shampoo, conditioner, or body wash, and no -- I am not a shoplifter.  Just another example of my super ability to take advantage of great deals. Consider it my second job.  And for anyone who needs help with taking advantage of deals or earning extra money at home, I am a wealth of information. 

No more chocolate!

I am banishing chocolate brownie cupcakes.  And brownies, chocolate chip cookies, candy bars, buttercream frosting, and just about every other form of chocolate imaginable. For now, anyway.  A good, long while.  Oh, and fried chicken too, while I am it.  Never did I imagine the day when I would consider chocolate to be one of my biggest enemies, but alas, I have found a formidable foe, even if my spite is only temporary.  I have found that when it is consumed in excess, my stomach ties in multiple knots, my energy is fried, and my entire body feels sluggish.  And now, just about the only things that sounds good is salad, soup, and tons of water.

It has definitely proven the theory that too much of a good thing can be bad for you.  Chocolate, like many other nice things, are wonderful in small quantities. I can think of a number of other items that are great in small amounts but terrible in large quantities.  Money, rain, fame, a tireless work ethic, freedom, sleep, power, etc... the list goes on.  I  have learned that all it takes is a little bit to please the senses, to spread it's warmth and happiness.  And it is for this reason that I am learning to love and appreciate all the small, wonderful things in my life.  Life is complicated enough -- there's no need to be overwhelmed by having the most and best of everything.  Forget 'death by chocolate'.  I choose the simple road.

Being re-born

My niece was baptized two days ago.  Proud doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have being chosen as her godmother.  My precious, beautiful, innocent niece.  And then there's me -- imperfect, worn, and tattered.  How it is that I am worthy enough to be granted such an honor and responsibility is beyond me, but there is one thing that I do know -- I am humbled and I accept the responsibility with open, willing arms.

There's something about witnessing a baptism.  The cleansing water reminds me that no matter what stage of life we are in, it is never too late to be reborn.  I'm not talking just in a Christian sense, but also in the sense of starting fresh in your own life or the challenges you might face.  Sure, it may not be easy.  Change never is.  But can you imagine how refreshing it must be when you stand up, decide you are ready to own the life that you live, and make the absolute best with it?    That's having courage -- living a life without fear or dread -- ready to walk down that long and winding path in the light. 

I feel like I have gone through a couple of re-births myself this past year. And even still, when I go through particularly rough days, I find myself moving past the struggle to create and re-invent where I want my life to be.  And so long as there are questions in my head, I have no doubt that I will continue to push until I feel born again.

What does it all mean anyway?

"Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you."  ~ Marsha Norman

I had a dream last night -- I am a dreamer.  Although it doesn't happen extremely often,  I'd say I have a dream at least once a week.  (Hey, I have to get enough sleep to do that more often... and I can't say I do!)  When I was younger, I used to have recurring bad dreams about school-related anxieties.  Now that I am older, and my life is seemingly more stressful and complicated, I have found that my dreams may reflect complicated feelings, but they are almost never bad.  At least from the ones that I can remember anyway, since details can sometimes be hard to come by once I wake up.  Nevertheless, I still find myself wondering what my dreams mean.

If Freud had his way, he would say that my thoughts and actions are motivated by the unconscious, and that as a society, we repress urges and impulses we have to abide by the moral code set by others.   Remember the "id", "ego", and "superego"?  Well, according to Freud, dreams are ruled by our id - our unconscious, instinctual, pleasure-seeking aspect of our mind.  In "New Introductory Lectures of Psychoanalysis" he says, "It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learnt from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of this is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We all approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations... It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organisation, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principle."  Is this true?   Does this mean that my dreams are my subconscious response to my wishes and desires that I can't have or realize at this point in my life?  I don't know.  Maybe.  Maybe not.

"We are not only less reasonable and less decent in our dreams... we are also more intelligent, wiser and capable of better judgment when we are asleep than when we are awake."  ~Erich Fromm

"Dreams are excursions into the limbo of things, a semi-deliverance from the human prison." ~Henri Amiel

"Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions."  ~Edgar Cayce

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long.  If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night."  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes~

"A dream is a microscope through which we look at the hidden occurrences in our soul."

~Erich Fromm 

Castles in the Sky

Talk about random.  I'm pulling up to the office, ready to drop off Kiara, only to pick up Leila from preschool.  Totally normal.  Until Ian Van Dahl's "Castles in the Sky" comes on XM radio, and no, for those who know, I wasn't listening to BPM.  So this is certainly bizarre, because I probably haven't heard this song for AT LEAST 6-7 years, maybe longer.  Immediately, I am brought back to 2000 when I still listened to a TON of electronica, techno, trance, and house (thanks Rafi!).  Memories flooded back to 9 years ago... good grief, that is almost a DECADE ago.  And all I can think about for a moment is my college years and how quickly they passed and how if I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I wouldn't have finished up early. Some of the greatest memories I have are from those days.  I met some incredible people, and learned very important life lessons there.

Anyway, I digress.  For those who are not familiar with this song, there are very few lyrics as is common with most of these types of songs.  But the words it does contain have always resonated with me, and is certainly fitting with the spirit of my blog:

"Do you ever question your life,
Do you ever wonder why?
Do you ever see in your dreams,
All the castles in the sky?"

Ummmm.... did they write this song for me?   This is me, every single day.  Just sayin'.

What will save you?

"No parachutes or safety nets here.  One foot on the water to face these fears.  I'm coming out strong like I can't be wrong.   I said, hey, I won't fall in the middle." -From Mat Kearney's "In the Middle"

Everyday, there is a new tragedy that is broadcast to the world.   Maybe we have experienced our own.  Or perhaps we are having to deal with a struggle that is seemingly beyond our control.  One thing is certain.  It is up to us to prevent ourselves from falling. So what does it take to rise above?

Personal experience has repeatedly told me that there is always one thing that I can count on -- and that is FAITH.  This can be interpreted a number of ways, but ultimately I have found that a person can almost always prevent a fall by believing -- having faith -- in something.  For me, that faith is two-fold.  Part of it lies in a power much greater than me, Whom I cannot control, and works in mysterious ways.  But just as important, which I can control, is the faith that I have in myself.  Allow me to elaborate.  The fact of the matter is that, as humans, we need to take responsibility for our own outcomes.  If  I continue to push - to strive to make things better - to persevere - eventually I will.  The goal is to never - EVER - give up on oneself.  I am not saying that this is an easy choice to make because sometimes giving up and feeling sorry for yourself is so easy and convenient to do.  But I am saying this:  If you can find the strength you need to have faith in yourself, to believe in you, that will be a huge step in making sure that you never sink.  When you refuse to settle, you give yourself a chance, you make a gamble, and take a giant leap of faith. 

O Purpose, Where Art Thou?

"Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."  -Helen Keller

My life is like a roller coaster -- with ups, downs, and plenty of curves and bumps along the way.  I am sure that others feel the same way about theirs, but mine seems to be the type that I try to avoid at amusement parks.  There is nothing amusing about being thrown and jerked around -- it just leads to dizziness, confusion, and one royal headache.  I crave stability; knowing where I stand in all facets of my life each and every day.  Perhaps that is a little naive, but part of me thinks that this could be achievable.  Don't get me wrong -- I understand where my path leads in certain respects, but in other areas I am just lost and waiting for my coaster car to check back into the station so I can try to find my way again.  I am constantly seeking my purpose, both personally, and what it is supposed to be for others.  Other than my kids, that is. (That's obvious.)

When a part is missing from the whole, the foundation upon which it sits is compromised.  Until it is found, what remains lies on shaky ground waiting for the piece to return, so stability can be restored.  This certainly seems to be true when it comes to me.  Therefore,  I shall try to be strong until that elusive piece named "purpose" finds me and starts taking control of my life. I will challenge myself to remain patient and uplifted until that day comes.

All in good time

"Time heals all wounds." True enough... or at least if it doesn't heal it completely, it does have the power to make things better a little bit at a time. Such is life.

I spent the entire summer listening and encouraging my daughter's excitement to start preschool. Then her world came crashing down last Thursday, when she decided that she really didn't want to be going to school. Perhaps she is having a hard time adjusting being somewhere without any family members, or being one of the last 3 year-olds in her 4 year-old class, or she is just having a hard time making new friends in general. Thursday she cried for a little bit in the beginning of her class, and today she whined to me, "I don't wanna go to school", but she did not cry. Baby steps. Who knows what's in store for her in two days....

You see, it's all about having time to grow accustomed to new things, new roles, new friendships. Things can change in a sudden instant and only some people are able to handle them in stride. Others may need persuasion, convincing, or just some time to feel better about their new reality. I know I am one of those people that need that. Whether it was the changing dynamics in my relationships with others, a move to a different place, or the immense responsibilities dumped on me when I became a mom -- I have always needed some time to adjust. So maybe a little bit of me rubbed off on my daughter. If that is true, I know what she is going through -- change is never easy. However, I am hopeful that with time, and a little convincing, she'll find that change isn't quite so bad after all.

Lying in wait

As human beings, it seems like we spend a lot of time waiting for things to happen. Even as I write this, I can think of a number of things that I am waiting to happen -- move out of this house, go back to work, cross a new fitness milestone, the release of the 5^th gen Nano… (oh wait… that happened yesterday!) =) I know some will say to “Make it happen!” instead of waiting, but sometimes the timing isn’t quite right – there may be something else more important preventing or delaying the things we are waiting for, or maybe it is simply out of our control. So this seems to be for me. And while my patience has grown exponentially since having kids, I still can use some growth in that area.

In the past, I have sometimes offset the things I’ve been waiting for by pretending that they didn’t matter anymore, even when they really did. However, it is hard to put up that façade, because for me, that would be like living without purpose. To take each day one at a time, without considering the effect it can have on the future… Not only is that stupid, but it is living in denial. I have come to accept things for the way they are – even if it doesn’t coincide with my own personal preference. And ultimately, I will continue to consciously lie in wait for the things that I want in my life – taking action whenever possible and being mindful and patient when I can’t.

Chances

I heard this song for the first time today on the radio. And it made me think about how life is all about the chances we take. I have never believed in fate. I believe that everything happens because of the decisions that we make. I can think of a number of huge chances I have taken over the course of my life. Some were stupid, but some of the greatest chances that I have taken were worth it in the end. The relationships I have formed with those closest to me are all the result of my willingness to take a risk, to be open and free, to expose myself to the possibility of getting hurt in the hope that I find something meaningful instead. And I have -- and for this I am eternally grateful. I have the greatest family and friends I could want, and I will never regret the chances I took to make them mine.

Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you

I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah

Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
It´s about the two to one
Lay your money on the ground
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing

Chances chances

Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need

The Breaking Point

“…how many times can I break ‘til I shatter?”

I’ve been there, and back again. Every muscle in my lower torso is screaming at me, asking what the heck I am doing to myself. My hamstrings are extremely tight, my knees and shins are sore, and my feet feel strained – making it painful to walk. I feel like I have been broken into a million pieces, and yet each day, I continue to push despite the pain, hoping to go just a little bit farther than I did before. It must be the masochist in me.

You see, everyone reaches their breaking point – physically, mentally, emotionally… and sometimes all three at once. How that is dealt with is a matter of preference. From my experience, there are typically two options available. For some, the best way to rise above is to escape and bail as fast as you can. This method has worked for me sometimes, but usually as only a temporary solution. At one point or another, we almost always have to accept our breaking point. Lately, I find myself doing just that and pushing myself even harder, constantly trying to justify how much worse things can be. When I do this, the pain I felt the day before feels a little less. Then, I continue on in this way, until a particular goal has been met, a feat accomplished, a relationship formed. It’s dealing with your breaking point head on – confronting it – and refusing to let it conquer you until you have fully conquered it. And that, is victory.

The "D" Word

… add another thing onto my calendar of parties, family gatherings, appointments, and things to do… and frankly, I’m tired of it. How is it that I am just expected to be available for everyone else even when I already had plans of my own? Why is everyone else so scared to say no and why am I never given the opportunity to just say so myself? Are people afraid that I will just say it like it is? When did we stop valuing honesty?

I thought I was mad. Upon digging deeper, I realized that I was just disappointed, and somehow, that seemed a lot worse. I loathe the “D” word – hate feeling it – and yet it has a crafty way of popping up in various places of my life. In certain respects, it would seem that the only way to prevent disappointment from appearing is to stop having expectations. Doing that is practically impossible. At least for me, it is. I think it’s because when you form a tight bond with someone, that is rooted with care, loyalty, and respect, it’s hard to imagine that person ever doing or saying something that could hurt you. But when it does happen, there is a certain wave of sadness and unimportance that washes over me. So what’s the solution?

I used to keep the “D” word to myself because as much as I didn’t like feeling it, I know others usually don’t like to hear that they are the subject of the disappointment in question. However, it can be hard to move on when you’re not honest with yourself and with others. So I’ve learned that when I feel it, I express it. It’s not easy, but it is better than holding a grudge. With any luck, it might serve as a learning experience and a foundation in which to build on, until it becomes a thing of the past.

A Matter of Heart and Determination

The day started like any other. Get up, wash my face, put on my contacts, brush my teeth… and hit the scale. The number staring back at me reflects that I am one and a half pounds shy of meeting my original goal. I am pleased. I have committed myself for five and a half months to work towards my goal, and here I am, on the brink of realizing that. I am inspired. I vow to myself to push extra hard the next few weeks and shed that last amount – and hopefully more. For me, that means trying to break my previous record of running 100 miles in 26 days. That was a feat, no doubt, but I am determined to break it, if not shatter it. I am convinced that this can be done, even in the middle of summer. I set this record back in March, when the days were cooler and the windows were open. Nevertheless, I made a promise to myself last night that I would not make any excuses… that I would aim for the target and give it everything I have.

That is what happens when you put heart into your actions. If there is something worth fighting for, your heart will be the drive you need to help you reach your goal. That, combined with a determined spirit, makes defeat unlikely. This is true for almost anything, but especially when it comes to relationships. Sometimes, we have to make sacrifices to make our relationships work, but so long as both people have heart and determination, failure is not an option. When two people are willing to give up something for the greater good, they each take a step closer together, and help foster an environment where no one feels left behind. And to me, if all it takes is a little more effort… a little more heart… a little more will and determination to get the things that I want out of life, then that is a challenge I am willing to tackle each and every day.

Learning to Let Go

FOR * GIVE

[fer-give] verb, -gave, -given, -giving

-verb, used with object

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc); absolve

2. to give up all claim on account of ; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.)

3. to grant pardon to (a person)

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies\

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan

It’s something we should do without thinking twice. That’s what I was taught. I mean, we’re all human, right? Nobody is perfect, and at one point or another, we all make mistakes. After almost twenty-nine years I still find that this can be hard to do, though I have been able to move forward in a decent, civil manner with people who have really hurt me. Does that qualify as forgiveness? Does that show an effort on my part? It could be worse. I could refuse to talk or see a person who has shown disregard for me and my feelings. But I don’t – mostly to keep the peace and minimize the drama that could ensue. The truth of the matter is that I forgive because usually there are other people counting on it – who are affected by the type of relationship I have with the person in question.

But I can’t completely let go. You’ve heard the saying. Forgive and forget. Well, I don’t know how to forget and pretend things never happened. It’s just not my nature. So if I’ve got definitions 1, 2, 3, and 5 of ‘forgive’ covered, does it matter that sometimes I can’t do number 4? That deep down inside there may be a part of me that feels hurt? Does that mean I am failing?

Maybe this is just a continual learning process. Maybe learning to let go becomes easier to do as I get older and so long as I remain open and receptive, it will come. That is my hope. Because I long for that feeling of liberation and knowledge that nobody has power and control of my feelings except for myself.

The Bigger Picture

We did it. After a two and a half month wait, we opened our 55” big screen tv yesterday and set it up. I must say -- it was a struggle. We lifted this unit more than four and a half feet on top of a piece of furniture so that it is high enough for the girls to not touch it. Trying to maneuver something so large, while trying not to get fingerprints all over the screen, is quite the challenge. And, I’ll be honest, watching our big screen takes some getting used to. Admittedly, I have been living in the dark ages (a non-HD 27” tv) for a long time. Watching objects and people pop out at me on the screen is a little freaky and definitely surreal.

It made me re-think about seeing the big picture in my life. For as long as I’ve known my husband, he’s always tried to encourage me to always look at the grand scheme of things instead of the ‘here and now’. Many times, that was difficult to do, especially when I felt very passionately about inequities, or had gotten my feelings hurt and was filled with despair. Now, I can see how looking at the big picture can be a better choice, albeit, sometimes a harder choice to make. Just like lifting our television, it can be a struggle to move past the things that hurt or disappoint us in our day-to-day lives. Remaining optimistic and looking at the big picture definitely takes some getting used to. However, when I come to the realization that some things in the ‘here and now’ are a certain way because that is needed to move on to a bigger, brighter picture, life begins to make a lot more sense. I’m not saying that I won’t ever think about the various circumstances I may encounter each day, because I will. However, I can guarantee that I will be making a greater effort to see the bigger picture, and enjoy the view at the same time.

Going to 'Beautiful'

I heard this song again last night. It has always held a special place in my heart, but it also seemed to especially resonate with me more so than it had in the past. I think everyone longs to discover that beautiful place, and hold on to it, even if the area is gray. If you have never been there, when you do get there, it is undeniable -- you just know. But going from beautiful to somewhere else is a challenge at best and heartbreak at worst. So, if you have it -- cling to it -- before it slips away.

"The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow

I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand
That its not that I don't care
But right now these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe

I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I'm suspended in ecstasy
Somewhere between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Mmmmmmm... beautiful..."

Moving backwards

It has been one of those days... you know, the type where you feel like you are going in the wrong direction? Uh huh, that type of day. Any progress that you made has been stripped from you and you try to remember where you came from but it's all a big haze. I tried to figure it out... I spent forty minutes walking backwards on the treadmill and realized two things: going backwards takes baby steps, and it is a lot of hard work. When you train yourself to move backwards, moving forward becomes a lot harder to do. My revelation is this -- no matter which way you go, proceed with caution... you never know what lies ahead or behind of you. If you aren't careful, you may trip and fall.

Finding a light within

Have you ever had that feeling of being lost? Of not knowing your purpose or how you make a difference in this world? That's me, and I can't begin to explain why. On the outside, my life is seemingly picture-perfect. I have a husband who loves me and two little girls who call me "mama" -- and that love, by all means, is reciprocal. My duties are to care for and nurture my family, and I think I do a pretty good job at that. And yet, deep inside, I crave something more. A purpose, inspiration, something to contribute, anything -- but I don't think it can be found within the walls of my home. I know the light exists. I have seen glimmers of it. But I can't find peace until I fully embrace it.

Making a Connection

Welcome to my blog. Please know that I am the type who speaks my mind and calls things as I see them. I make no apologies for this and hope that readers will find my honesty refreshing. I hope you enjoy your stay and find my collection of posts interesting. This is an experiment that I hope will lead to a greater understanding of life and myself.