The "D" Word

… add another thing onto my calendar of parties, family gatherings, appointments, and things to do… and frankly, I’m tired of it. How is it that I am just expected to be available for everyone else even when I already had plans of my own? Why is everyone else so scared to say no and why am I never given the opportunity to just say so myself? Are people afraid that I will just say it like it is? When did we stop valuing honesty?

I thought I was mad. Upon digging deeper, I realized that I was just disappointed, and somehow, that seemed a lot worse. I loathe the “D” word – hate feeling it – and yet it has a crafty way of popping up in various places of my life. In certain respects, it would seem that the only way to prevent disappointment from appearing is to stop having expectations. Doing that is practically impossible. At least for me, it is. I think it’s because when you form a tight bond with someone, that is rooted with care, loyalty, and respect, it’s hard to imagine that person ever doing or saying something that could hurt you. But when it does happen, there is a certain wave of sadness and unimportance that washes over me. So what’s the solution?

I used to keep the “D” word to myself because as much as I didn’t like feeling it, I know others usually don’t like to hear that they are the subject of the disappointment in question. However, it can be hard to move on when you’re not honest with yourself and with others. So I’ve learned that when I feel it, I express it. It’s not easy, but it is better than holding a grudge. With any luck, it might serve as a learning experience and a foundation in which to build on, until it becomes a thing of the past.