Build a wall

I feel like such a girl today.  I know that sounds funny since I am technically a girl and all, but it's seemingly out of character for me.  I'm used to being in control of my feelings, but lately, my vulnerability is getting the best of me.  And I hate not being able to control them when I'm unable to change the circumstances that got me feeling out of control in the first place.  

Does that make sense?  

I am not heartless or cold.  I would like to think that I'm warm most of the time,  happy, and capable of expressing love freely without feeling like I need to be in 'control'.  But when sadness, frustration, or despair comes knocking on my door, I hate feeling vulnerable.  My first instinct is to build a brick wall to keep that from infiltrating my life, but instead, I am finding that I just crumble. 

There must be a happy medium somewhere.  Something to fit the space between being in and out of control.  But where and what is that?  And while I ponder that, I'll  wrap this up with one of my favorite David Matthews song, appropriately titled:

The Space Between

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

 

All the broken pieces

Tonight my four year old broke my heart into a million pieces. Not because of something she did and not because she was being bad. Instead, she confirmed my worst fears... she said something out of the blue, and spilled her guts.

One of the most terrible feelings as a parent is having the inability to fix something that is wrong. It is my job to protect her, not just from physical harm, but ugly things that she shouldn't have to hear or know about. It's been almost two months now since the battle started, and I know that we've really reached the breaking point when her eyes started welling up with tears and she started sobbing in my arms. And all I could do was rock her in my arms, trying to console her while my own tears started to spill down my cheeks.

I am at a loss. I have no control. I don't know how to fix things. A feeling of desperation has increasingly haunted me the last few weeks, as I watch the innocence and trust in her eyes transition to hurt. She doesn't understand, and I can't blame her. I don't really understand it all myself. All I know is that I would do anything to take away her hurt feelings and pile them on top of my own confusion and hurt, even though I feel like I can hardly take any more myself. But no burden is ever too great. My love is unconditional, my determination is real. I won't stop rallying on behalf of my daughters until everything is right again.

Put me at ease

I'm sitting up in bed in my hotel room in Palo Alto.  It is quiet.  The girls are lying in the bed beside mine fast asleep (finally).  And, well, hubby fell asleep before the kids did. This is the first time I've had a chance to truly relax and reflect in peace and solitude, and even though I'm in a strange place and a different bed under not-so-great circumstances, I am surprisingly serene.

The day was laden with stress, packing, and making quick last-minute arrangements to get here.  It was pretty chaotic.  So much so that as I lay here awake, I'm shocked by my mental focus and general ease.  It's a far cry from yesterday, so I plan to enjoy this moment for as long as I can, for I am sure it is only a matter of time before I feel like I am going into a tailspin all over again.

P.S. I discovered the latest album by Needtobreathe just yesterday. Since then, I've already listened to the album in its entirety several times.  It's that good.  It's perfect for times like this where I am feeling contemplative.  And well, I just love this song.  It strikes a chord in my life and just feels very personal to me.  As such, I have no choice but to share.

Something Beautiful

by Needtobreathe

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful 

I want...

want 

intransitive verb 

1 : to be needy or destitute
2 : to have or feel need s for friends>
3 : to be necessary or needed
4 : to desire to come, go, or be s in> s out of the deal>transitive verb 1 : to fail to possess especially in customary or required amount : lack ed courtesy>
2 a : to have a strong desire for ed a chance to rest> b : to have an inclination to : like efficient>
3 a : to have need of : require s a tune-up> b : to suffer from the lack of
4 : ought —used with the infinitive
5 : to wish or demand the presence of
6 : to hunt or seek in order to apprehend ed for murder>

I want. It is overwhelming me.  It's like having an itch that you just can't scratch.  

My want has nothing to do with material items.  What I want, money can't buy.  I want what, at this point, I seemingly cannot have.  And I'm frustrated.

I want peace.  I want the void in my life to be filled.  I want to do what feels right to me.  And if I can't have these things, I want the strength to make it through the day without feeling like a piece of me is missing.  

These Hard Times

by Needtobreathe

Give me something brighter
Give me something I can see
Give me something vicious
Give me something I can be
Give me all the love and peace
To end these wars
Give me something sacred
Something worth fighting for

It's clear enough to me
The ugliness I see
Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer
Give me a way out
Give me the faith
To believe in these hard times

Give me motivation
Give me all my heart's desires
Show me something gorgeous
Show me till my eyes get tired
Give me all the drums and
Show me how to play them loud
Show me how to move
When I can't feel that you're around

It's clear enough to me
The ugliness I see
Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer
Give me a way out
Give me the faith
To believe in these hard times

We hide like theives in shadows
Scared of the sun
We know the light will find us
Us and all we've done

Give me an answer
Give me a way out
Give me the faith
To believe in these hard times

No more diversions

I'm getting out of the house for the third time tonight.  Still, I can't ease the unrest.  That's the thing about diversions.  Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to ignore your problems, they keep coming back to the forefront until it is dealt with properly.  And so it seems to be with me.

My life is a jumbled mess right now.  I feel like I am being attacked from all different angles, and I am not sure which side to address first.  The minute I go about my life unsuspecting, I get slapped again with something new to deal with.  

My heart feels burdened.

I need some peace.

I wish you enough

I got this forward from my dad.  It meant a lot to me, especially with everything that I've been going through.  It made me both sad and happy.

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together
at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father
said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more
than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I
wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The Father walked
over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I
could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude
on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever
say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but
why is this a forever good-bye?'..

'I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges
ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,'
he said.

'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you
enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed
down from other generations. My parents used to say it to
everyone...' He paused a moment and looked up as if trying
to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said,
'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have
a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.' Then
turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were
reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter
how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and
everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in
life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you
possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour
to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life
to forget them.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE....

To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH.

I'm sinking...

I have been in a slump for two days now.  I can't fight off the negative energy that has consumed my life.  Among other things, I feel:

Stressed

Crazy

Numb

Sad

Confused

Worried

I am not sure what purpose these feelings serve in my life right now.  I am in desperate need of lifting.  I have no idea where to start.  : (

Calling all adults!

Oh, my life.  I wonder how it can be so many things, how it can present so many different situations along the way, and provoke so many emotions. Charmed?  Yes.  Busy?  Always. Complicated?  Definitely.

And so it is now just like any other day.  I am swamped with a million different things to do... I'm still unpacking, still training for another 10K, assembling, mothering and potty training a toddler, cleaning, and running errands.  God help me.  And even though I have enough to keep me busy for a long, long time, I can't fight this lonely feeling.  

It's odd, really.  Most of my life, I spent being the introvert -- keeping to myself, shy and quiet.  Now, the older I get, the more I crave adult interaction.  I think it's the only thing that makes me really feel grounded -- that I serve a purpose and am more than just someone who takes care of two little ones.  I find myself needing that escape more and more, and I wonder if feeling this way is healthy or not.  Nevertheless, the feeling remains.  

And just when I thought I was getting comfortable clearing my head here, the kids come bounding into the room.  So long adult world.  I hope to see you soon.