The Breaking Point

“…how many times can I break ‘til I shatter?”

I’ve been there, and back again. Every muscle in my lower torso is screaming at me, asking what the heck I am doing to myself. My hamstrings are extremely tight, my knees and shins are sore, and my feet feel strained – making it painful to walk. I feel like I have been broken into a million pieces, and yet each day, I continue to push despite the pain, hoping to go just a little bit farther than I did before. It must be the masochist in me.

You see, everyone reaches their breaking point – physically, mentally, emotionally… and sometimes all three at once. How that is dealt with is a matter of preference. From my experience, there are typically two options available. For some, the best way to rise above is to escape and bail as fast as you can. This method has worked for me sometimes, but usually as only a temporary solution. At one point or another, we almost always have to accept our breaking point. Lately, I find myself doing just that and pushing myself even harder, constantly trying to justify how much worse things can be. When I do this, the pain I felt the day before feels a little less. Then, I continue on in this way, until a particular goal has been met, a feat accomplished, a relationship formed. It’s dealing with your breaking point head on – confronting it – and refusing to let it conquer you until you have fully conquered it. And that, is victory.

The "D" Word

… add another thing onto my calendar of parties, family gatherings, appointments, and things to do… and frankly, I’m tired of it. How is it that I am just expected to be available for everyone else even when I already had plans of my own? Why is everyone else so scared to say no and why am I never given the opportunity to just say so myself? Are people afraid that I will just say it like it is? When did we stop valuing honesty?

I thought I was mad. Upon digging deeper, I realized that I was just disappointed, and somehow, that seemed a lot worse. I loathe the “D” word – hate feeling it – and yet it has a crafty way of popping up in various places of my life. In certain respects, it would seem that the only way to prevent disappointment from appearing is to stop having expectations. Doing that is practically impossible. At least for me, it is. I think it’s because when you form a tight bond with someone, that is rooted with care, loyalty, and respect, it’s hard to imagine that person ever doing or saying something that could hurt you. But when it does happen, there is a certain wave of sadness and unimportance that washes over me. So what’s the solution?

I used to keep the “D” word to myself because as much as I didn’t like feeling it, I know others usually don’t like to hear that they are the subject of the disappointment in question. However, it can be hard to move on when you’re not honest with yourself and with others. So I’ve learned that when I feel it, I express it. It’s not easy, but it is better than holding a grudge. With any luck, it might serve as a learning experience and a foundation in which to build on, until it becomes a thing of the past.

A Matter of Heart and Determination

The day started like any other. Get up, wash my face, put on my contacts, brush my teeth… and hit the scale. The number staring back at me reflects that I am one and a half pounds shy of meeting my original goal. I am pleased. I have committed myself for five and a half months to work towards my goal, and here I am, on the brink of realizing that. I am inspired. I vow to myself to push extra hard the next few weeks and shed that last amount – and hopefully more. For me, that means trying to break my previous record of running 100 miles in 26 days. That was a feat, no doubt, but I am determined to break it, if not shatter it. I am convinced that this can be done, even in the middle of summer. I set this record back in March, when the days were cooler and the windows were open. Nevertheless, I made a promise to myself last night that I would not make any excuses… that I would aim for the target and give it everything I have.

That is what happens when you put heart into your actions. If there is something worth fighting for, your heart will be the drive you need to help you reach your goal. That, combined with a determined spirit, makes defeat unlikely. This is true for almost anything, but especially when it comes to relationships. Sometimes, we have to make sacrifices to make our relationships work, but so long as both people have heart and determination, failure is not an option. When two people are willing to give up something for the greater good, they each take a step closer together, and help foster an environment where no one feels left behind. And to me, if all it takes is a little more effort… a little more heart… a little more will and determination to get the things that I want out of life, then that is a challenge I am willing to tackle each and every day.

Learning to Let Go

FOR * GIVE

[fer-give] verb, -gave, -given, -giving

-verb, used with object

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc); absolve

2. to give up all claim on account of ; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.)

3. to grant pardon to (a person)

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies\

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan

It’s something we should do without thinking twice. That’s what I was taught. I mean, we’re all human, right? Nobody is perfect, and at one point or another, we all make mistakes. After almost twenty-nine years I still find that this can be hard to do, though I have been able to move forward in a decent, civil manner with people who have really hurt me. Does that qualify as forgiveness? Does that show an effort on my part? It could be worse. I could refuse to talk or see a person who has shown disregard for me and my feelings. But I don’t – mostly to keep the peace and minimize the drama that could ensue. The truth of the matter is that I forgive because usually there are other people counting on it – who are affected by the type of relationship I have with the person in question.

But I can’t completely let go. You’ve heard the saying. Forgive and forget. Well, I don’t know how to forget and pretend things never happened. It’s just not my nature. So if I’ve got definitions 1, 2, 3, and 5 of ‘forgive’ covered, does it matter that sometimes I can’t do number 4? That deep down inside there may be a part of me that feels hurt? Does that mean I am failing?

Maybe this is just a continual learning process. Maybe learning to let go becomes easier to do as I get older and so long as I remain open and receptive, it will come. That is my hope. Because I long for that feeling of liberation and knowledge that nobody has power and control of my feelings except for myself.

The Bigger Picture

We did it. After a two and a half month wait, we opened our 55” big screen tv yesterday and set it up. I must say -- it was a struggle. We lifted this unit more than four and a half feet on top of a piece of furniture so that it is high enough for the girls to not touch it. Trying to maneuver something so large, while trying not to get fingerprints all over the screen, is quite the challenge. And, I’ll be honest, watching our big screen takes some getting used to. Admittedly, I have been living in the dark ages (a non-HD 27” tv) for a long time. Watching objects and people pop out at me on the screen is a little freaky and definitely surreal.

It made me re-think about seeing the big picture in my life. For as long as I’ve known my husband, he’s always tried to encourage me to always look at the grand scheme of things instead of the ‘here and now’. Many times, that was difficult to do, especially when I felt very passionately about inequities, or had gotten my feelings hurt and was filled with despair. Now, I can see how looking at the big picture can be a better choice, albeit, sometimes a harder choice to make. Just like lifting our television, it can be a struggle to move past the things that hurt or disappoint us in our day-to-day lives. Remaining optimistic and looking at the big picture definitely takes some getting used to. However, when I come to the realization that some things in the ‘here and now’ are a certain way because that is needed to move on to a bigger, brighter picture, life begins to make a lot more sense. I’m not saying that I won’t ever think about the various circumstances I may encounter each day, because I will. However, I can guarantee that I will be making a greater effort to see the bigger picture, and enjoy the view at the same time.

Going to 'Beautiful'

I heard this song again last night. It has always held a special place in my heart, but it also seemed to especially resonate with me more so than it had in the past. I think everyone longs to discover that beautiful place, and hold on to it, even if the area is gray. If you have never been there, when you do get there, it is undeniable -- you just know. But going from beautiful to somewhere else is a challenge at best and heartbreak at worst. So, if you have it -- cling to it -- before it slips away.

"The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow

I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand
That its not that I don't care
But right now these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe

I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I'm suspended in ecstasy
Somewhere between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Mmmmmmm... beautiful..."

Moving backwards

It has been one of those days... you know, the type where you feel like you are going in the wrong direction? Uh huh, that type of day. Any progress that you made has been stripped from you and you try to remember where you came from but it's all a big haze. I tried to figure it out... I spent forty minutes walking backwards on the treadmill and realized two things: going backwards takes baby steps, and it is a lot of hard work. When you train yourself to move backwards, moving forward becomes a lot harder to do. My revelation is this -- no matter which way you go, proceed with caution... you never know what lies ahead or behind of you. If you aren't careful, you may trip and fall.

Finding a light within

Have you ever had that feeling of being lost? Of not knowing your purpose or how you make a difference in this world? That's me, and I can't begin to explain why. On the outside, my life is seemingly picture-perfect. I have a husband who loves me and two little girls who call me "mama" -- and that love, by all means, is reciprocal. My duties are to care for and nurture my family, and I think I do a pretty good job at that. And yet, deep inside, I crave something more. A purpose, inspiration, something to contribute, anything -- but I don't think it can be found within the walls of my home. I know the light exists. I have seen glimmers of it. But I can't find peace until I fully embrace it.

Making a Connection

Welcome to my blog. Please know that I am the type who speaks my mind and calls things as I see them. I make no apologies for this and hope that readers will find my honesty refreshing. I hope you enjoy your stay and find my collection of posts interesting. This is an experiment that I hope will lead to a greater understanding of life and myself.