Being true

"Never apologize for showing feeling.  When you do so, you apologize for the truth."   

~Benjamin Disraeli

I have been apologetic on a number of occasions in the past, especially during times when I am feeling sensitive or vulnerable.  However, I have come to appreciate acknowledging the truth, accepting my feelings for what they are, instead of trying to push them off because it seemed like the easier thing to do.  Granted, the truth is not easy when feelings are complicated, and there is seemingly nothing that you can do with what you feel.  But I am done with hiding and pretending that they don't exist.  It feels dishonest and usually leaves me frustrated instead.  So please excuse me if I'm frank.  I just can't help what I feel.

Feel the rush

I'm feeling empowered today.  Making a commitment to work out three days in a row, with no intention of stopping can do that to you.  Perhaps that is what was lacking the past several weeks when I was feeling helpless.  Maybe I needed to just channel that energy through exercise.  You always hear about the natural rush of endorphins that travel through your body after a workout.  That is SO true.  I may feel a little tired, but I ALWAYS feel good afterward.  So today I am going to conquer my little world.  I am going to get things done, I'm going to organize my life, but most important of all, I'm going to ENJOY it.   :)

Who am I?

"If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything."

And fall I did...  I fell hard and fast, not for a lack of wanting to take a stand.  Instead, I watched myself crumble into a crying heap on the couch, knowing that I just had to take it, whether I deserved it or not.  

Why is it that doing the right thing sometimes means you have to swallow all of your dignity?  I feel like I don't have a shred left, but deep down I know that what I did needed to be done for the overall greater good.  I usually don't have a problem with doing the right thing, but for some reason, my most recent choice leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  I feel sick. 

I have humbled myself in a way that I didn't know I was capable of, and didn't stand up for myself.  Everything I believed flew out the window and I allowed myself to be railroaded.  I'm not sure who I really am anymore...  Is it really possible that I could have made such a decision?  Me -- the girl who ALWAYS speaks her mind?  I've disappointed myself and yet, somewhere, somehow, I should be happy.  Should.  I guess I won't know until I feel it. 

Bend in the road

"The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you refuse to take the turn."

~Anonymous

How true that is…  It’s another thing that I should remind myself every single day.  Sometimes when we don’t get our way, or things don’t go exactly to plan, calling it quits seems like the easier thing to do.  And maybe it is, though maybe more cowardly as well. 

Life is an adventure.  There’s not always a clear-cut path that leads you straight to where you want to go.  I’ve found that my relationships are characterized by various twists and turns, and sometimes, it takes a lot of bravery on my part to stay the course.  When it comes to those who matter the most to me, I find myself wanting to take the turn, refusing to surrender to what might seem like an impossible situation.  I would rather be susceptible to failure than to not try at all.  That’s part of living and it’s part of a winning mentality.  While determination may not always equate to success, it does consist of an undying spirit that certainly makes things that seem impossible, possible.  That’s a chance worth fighting for, and one that I am willing to take. 

Escape

I found myself driving in circles this morning.  I was out running errands with the girls, and as I approached my house, I realized that I just wasn't ready to go home quite yet.  Instead of slowing down as I neared the drive, I hit the gas pedal and drove the back roads near my house.  I don't know why, but I felt like if I went home, I would feel trapped in my reality, which has been plagued with bad vibes lately.  Call it denial or procrastination, but I kept on driving, and for those extra minutes that I was in the car, I felt free and alive. 

When I used to feel this way when I was younger, I would go to the beach, which was plausible since I lived right next to it for the first 22 years of my life.  I would sit down and dig my feet into the sand and stare out at the ocean for hours, letting my mood drift as the waves came crashing in.  Unfortunately, distance and responsibility for people other than myself prevents me from returning to the place that used to bring me comfort and ease.  More often than not, the only escape that I have is driving my car and drowning myself in music.  And even though it's not the most ideal scenario, I still enjoy it immensely. 

I think I foresaw what was bound to happen when I kept driving this morning.  Because sure enough, the minute I stepped foot in my house, I felt this rush traveling through my body and immediately I felt like my mind was playing tricks on me.  It doubted anything and everything that was good, and transformed it all into negative energy.  It didn't matter that I'm smart enough to know better.  Even as I sit here, trying to think everything through logically, things don't feel right.  I think it's hard to find clarity when you're trapped in a box, at least this is true for me.  I know now that sometimes the open road is what I need to be set free. I look forward to my next journey.

Keeping the focus

I was aggravated last night.  I slept terrible. The kids are sick, and for that matter, I am too.  But that all doesn't matter.  Today is a new day and I am starting fresh.

I am chanting in the back of my head, "Think positive thoughts, think positive thoughts, think positive thoughts..."

Things will never get better if I continue to look at everything that is wrong.  So today, I have challenged myself to shun everything that has been troubling me, and to keep the faith that things will get better.  At the very least, good things happen when you start off with the right mentality, so I plan on being receptive to whatever life has to offer me.

I will focus on the things that make me happy.  The smiles on my daughters' faces, uncontrollable laughter, the quirks of country living, volleyball, big hugs, enveloping my life in music, sharing feelings, back scratches, and adoring eyes. And if that's not enough, I'll find even more things until nothing else matters.

Eet

REGINA SPEKTOR

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to feel the beat

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

You spent half of your life trying to fall behind
You're using your headphones to drown out your mind
It was so easy, and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, eet, eet, eet
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeteeet, eet, eet, eet

Someone's deciding whether or not to steal
He opens the window just to feel the chill
He hears that outside a small boy just starting to cry
'Cause it's his turn but his brother won't let him try

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to move your feet

It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember, you try to feel the beat

Making the right decision

"You're so fragile I know
Some things we cannot control
I am so selfish it shows
I just can't let go
Tell me three little lies
Everything is alright
It tears me all up inside"

THE LAST GOODNIGHT

Life is a delicate balancing act.  When faced with a hard decision, I consider all options, weighing the good and bad together in the hope that I make the right choice.  Sometimes, the correct choice stands out and there is little questioning involved.  Other times, it's a lot more complicated than that -- doing the right thing can really hurt, and doing the wrong thing can seem like a good choice at first.  But perhaps the most difficult, is when you make a decision, and then you begin to doubt that it was the right choice after all.

It's very easy for the lines to blur.  Emotion can easily cloud judgment, and when that happens, you might as well just show reason out the door.  Feelings have a way of taking over, and despite any good intentions of remaining level-headed, sometimes it's virtually impossible to make a decision without considering your feelings, no matter how much you may want to exclude them.  Maybe decisions ARE supposed to be made with not only logic and reason, but with emotion too. Maybe that's why it's so hard sometimes to decide what's best.  That makes sense to me.  Besides, I know that if all else fails, I can always trust my instincts.  Those are rarely wrong.

Once a writer...

always a writer...

When I was younger, I used to keep a journal.  It started in 8th grade and continued through my 3rd year of college. Like most young girls, it held all my most private thoughts and feelings, some of which I can't help but smile and laugh at.  When I moved a few months ago, I shredded that part of my life away, never to be discovered by anyone.  I'm glad I did, even though a little part of me is wistful that my written record of that period in my life is now gone.

It's funny how technology changes things. I can't really imagine keeping a journal anymore.  While I still like to write, I prefer to not do it by hand.  Instead, I've become one with my laptop, and that's how my blogs came to be.  While they aren't nearly as personal or revealing as my journals used to be, I enjoy being able to have a place to clear my head and share all my triumphs and trials. The best part of it all is that I have no intention of deleting them forever, so I will always have a record to keep, inasmuch the internet continues to exist.

I'm grateful to have Trail as my sounding board, especially when I feel like I need to talk, but feel like I have nobody to talk to.  True, it may be almost like talking to myself, but that's okay.  What's most important is that I've come to appreciate and embrace the process of my own self-discovery.  And that is something that I can't ever imagine laughing at or taking for granted.

Stand up for change

 

"Don't limit the view of life by what happened today, or what happened yesterday, or what you think may happen tomorrow. Each moment is its own, and we are constantly creating it."

 My friend had this posted yesterday, and immediately it spoke to me.  It was as if it was posted specifically for me to read it and to remind me that I've got to take control of my own destiny (to the extent that that is possible anyway).  It is easy to get wrapped up in pessimism, to be discouraged, and to feel like nothing is ever going to change.  I admit that lately I have been guilty of feeling this way, so I couldn't have read this at a more appropriate time.  

If I want things to change, I can't be scared to stand up for what I believe in... what I feel passionately about.  Sometimes it is necessary to be a little bit selfish.  Too often I'm worried about everyone else -- how things will affect their lives and their own feelings -- that I often leave myself behind feeling trapped and incapable of being honest about my true feelings.  I need to start making myself a priority.  Indeed, when I look at that statement from the outside, I am a little embarrassed.  It makes me feel self-centered.  Ugh.  However, the truth is that deep down inside, I cannot give to my full potential until I focus on being at peace with my life each and every day.  I've got to learn to let go of things dragging me down, no matter how hard that may be.  Life is never easy, but it is adaptable, or so I've realized.  So it is with this in mind that I vow to take charge of my life -- to stop letting things just happen to me, and instead, make things happen for myself.