New decade, new beginnings!

Today is the day I turn 30!  Time for a new beginning... for now at least.  For all things Trail, follow me here!
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Lessons from an (almost) three year old

"There are no failures -- just experiences and your reactions to them." ~ Tom Krause

My daughters inspire me -- and sometimes in the oddest ways.  Yesterday, when my youngest managed to really hurt herself again (traumatic injury #3), I managed to stay remotely calm, even through the stitches that she received.  As I held her down,  I could feel her squirm underneath me, as she cried in pain.  Inside, I cried too.  My poor little girl... she's not even three years old, and yet she has gone through so much.  Oh, how I wish I could have taken those stitches for her.

Despite the gash above her left eyebrow, she remained upbeat for most of the afternoon and evening, playing with her sister, smiling and laughing.  She's a tough little cookie.  But more importantly, she showed me that you can still find the good out of almost any situation, even when something bad happens.  Even in my (almost) thirty years, I can still use a reminder like that every once in a while.  Stuff will always happen, but it's how I choose to react that truly matters. 

This probably won't be the last time that I hurriedly rush to the doctor or dentist for Kiara.  Her fearless spirit coupled with her general clumsiness is bound to create many more emergencies.   That's just Kiara's nature.  But she is also one of the most loving and gentle kids that I know, and I wouldn't change that for anything.  Her life experiences thus far are a bit beyond her years, and she's already taught me some good lessons about being strong and staying positive. I would have never expected my kids to be the ones who teach me a thing or two about life, but nevertheless, she has.  She makes me want to be a better person. 

I saw glitter!

 

There's something about getting caught up in a truly wonderful moment... the world stands still and you can't help but press the replay button over and over again.  Everybody has these moments which invoke awe and pure wonder.  It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I have learned to relish it while I can. And relish I have. So when I heard "Glitter in the Air" on XM yesterday, I thought to myself that there couldn't be a more perfect song to describe how I've been feeling lately.  The song speaks to me about how powerful just one moment can be, and it's ability to change things.  

Glitter in the Air

by Pink

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

I'm not running wild...

"Our imagination is the most important faculty we possess. It can be our greatest resource or our most formidable adversary. It is through our imagination that we discern possibilities and options. Yet imagination is no mere blank slate on which we simply inscribe our will. Rather, imagination is the deepest voice of the soul and can be heard clearly only through cultivation and careful attention. A relationship with our imagination is a relationship with our deepest self."  ~ Pat B. Allen

Yes, my imagination is a funny thing.  It has the power to derive satisfaction, provoke action, and accomplish great things, when applied with great determination and spirit.  But it sometimes makes me wistful.  I won't lie.  Alas, some things would not exist in our imaginations if it were not for the fact that they were unattainable.  Sad, but true.  People always say to 'let your imagination run wild', but I'm starting to doubt the benefit of doing that.  Most of the times, it leads to disappointment and want.  

Investing in my imagination opens up a boxful of question marks that I'm not prepared to answer.  There are never-ending consequences for indulging our imagination.  Who would have guessed how different the lives of so many people would be when Alexander Graham Bell used his imagination to create the telephone?   In a world designed of checks and balances, it seems the imagination always sells short to reality, stability, and peace.  After all, we are creatures of comfort.

Does this mean that I'll stop dreaming?  Probably not.  Whether I consciously make the decision to stop or not, I know that my unconscious will likely return me to a state of imagination.  The difference is that I am choosing to not willingly let it run wild.  I plan to tame it into something that works for me, something that won't disappoint, something that I can be at peace with. 

Thirty (days) 'til I'm thirty (years old)

This year marks my 30th birthday.  That's a long time since I've been born.  I've had a chance to reflect on things I've accomplished so far, so here are fifteen things that I am grateful for accomplishing before I turned thirty, and fifteen things that I look forward to in my next thirty years (all in no particular order).

1) Graduating College -  Need I say more?  I spent my most formative years shaping myself into the person that I am today, and graduation was the culmination of it all.  Besides, it's hard to find a quality job without a diploma.  Unless you are Bill Gates, which I am not.

2) Being financially responsible -  I have my parents to thank for this.  Because of them, I've always been able to be financially sound.  I've had multiple jobs, but was always able to pay the rent / mortgage, buy a car, etc. because they taught me how to save. 

3) Keeping the faith - After all of these years, I still believe in God.  He's seen me through everything, thick and thin, death, and new life.  I know and truly believe in the power of prayer.

4) Hitting the lotto -  Well, not literally.  But that's what Tommy says, "Baby, you hit the lotto when you met me." (Granted, that line in and of itself is stolen from my father-in-law)  And well, if I must admit it, I do have an awesome companion.  The day I married Tommy, I set myself up for a lifetime of good times, laughter, challenges, trials and errors, that leaves me frazzled at the end of the day sometimes.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything.  He's an extremely hard worker, determined, a committed father, and never falls short on helping out on the household chores.  But most of all, he loves and cares for me and it shows -- and when you have that, hardly anything else matters.

5) Completing a half marathon -  I completed my biggest physical challenge this year after dedicating three months to training for the event.  It wasn't easy, but I learned two very important life lessons as a result: 1) You can do anything you've set your mind out to do, and 2) My sister will ALWAYS have my back no matter what.

6) Having kids - For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to have kids, but more so than that, I wanted to have them before I turned thirty.  I have two beautiful daughters now who light up my life, and I'm glad that I can be the active, young mother that I've always wanted to be with them.

7) Making time for friends -  The world is a lonely place without friends.  The older I get, the more true this seems, especially to someone who spends most of the day with her kids, and only her kids.  I'm glad that I've been able to connect with my friends, still enjoy having lunch here and there, and maintain a piece of my own identity that doesn't necessarily include my immediate family.

8) Standing up for what I believe in - I have said and done a lot of things in my life, but here is one thing that I always strive to do.  When I am faced with a hard decision or when I am asked for my opinion, I always try to keep things honest, even if it means that it makes me come off as blunt, strange, or combative.  I admit that, as a result, conflict may arise, but you can't be afraid to let yourself be heard.  Besides, dishonesty brings about a whole slew of bad things, like distrust, disappointment, and hurt. 

9) Finding love - It's what we all seek to find, right?  It's that feeling that makes us feel whole inside.  I have found it many times in my own life, expected and unexpected.  But no matter which, I am always intrigued how love can grow inside of me for the people that I hold most dear.  The heart knows no boundaries, and sets no limits.

10) Beating to my own drum - Sure, some might have described me as awkward in school.  I was that tall, loudmouth tomboy that, seemingly, didn't have much in common with anyone.  I am still that person, and although others may frown upon it, I like to celebrate my uniqueness.  Who cares if girly things still make me cringe or that I still have a tendency to have more things to talk about with the guys rather than the girls?  It's who I am, and I'm perfectly fine with that!

11) Learning new things - My love for learning didn't stop when I finished school.  My mind is curious, as are my hands.  I'm grateful that I've nurtured learning and haven't stopped finding things that I don't know how to do, but intrigue me.  It's why I am trying to teach myself how to play piano, it's how I learned to knit less than two years ago, and it's why I am always trying to find out more about the world around me.

12) Putting on the apron - One of my favorite things to do, the older I get,  is to cook.  It's one of the best ways that I can show my family just how much I love them. I owe my skill and talent to my mom, who is the best cook that I know, and who I used to watch cook for us tirelessly, and with love.  All of those hours in the kitchen, just watching her, paid off!

13) Maintaining my health - I have been on both sides of the tracks.  For a few years, leading up to and after my pregnancies, I watched myself get bigger... not gigantically so, but enough to be unhappy.  I took control of the reins almost a year and a half ago, and vowed to be more proactive so that this would never happen again. I ate right most of the time, and more importantly, I exercised. I realized how important it was for me to be healthy, not just for the physical benefits, but mentally and emotionally as well.  Staying healthy = taking care of me on all levels. 

14) Being born in September - Granted, I had little to do with this choice, but I am still glad nonetheless.  I am not a devout believer in astrology by any means, but ask any Virgo, or anyone who KNOWS a Virgo well, and you would see that I've got all the characteristics of one.  I may not be perfect, but I will always be a perfectionist, organized, responsible, and yes, a little neurotic at times.   But I can't imagine myself otherwise.   I may drive you nuts, but just know that it's out of my control.  Heck, I know quite a few Virgos really well myself, and yes, they do drive me nuts at times too.  :)

15) Embracing my heritage - I'm proud of who I am.  My parents got married at a time when interracial marriages were not as status quo like they are today.  When I went to school, there weren't many bi-racial kids.  At times, I felt like I didn't fit in.  When it came to checking a single box on standardized tests, I often felt frustrated.  I wasn't "White" and I wasn't "Asian".  I resorted to "Other", because I felt like if I checked anything other than that, I would be denying my other half.  Call it silly if you want, but I hated that.  I'm glad that interracial marriages are becoming more common now, and that people are starting to be more receptive to the changing faces in America.  I hope the world continues to become more tolerant, especially since my own kids are a hodgepodge of nationalities from around the world.  I can only hope that they, too, will be proud of where they came from and never feel like they have to choose. 

And in the years to come...

1) Watching my kids grow up into adults -  This has to be one of the greatest things that I look forward to in the coming thirty years.  Seeing the investment that my husband and I have put into our kids, and watching them grow into productive members of society as they form their own identities will be both intriguing and rewarding.

2) Reading more -  When I was younger, I used to read all of the time.  I rarely find the time to do that anymore.  I hope to resume one of my favorite past times when the time allows.

3) Going back to work - Strange, huh?  I like work though.  I like keeping my mind busy, learning new things, helping others, and interacting with the adult world.  I can't wait to get back in the driver's seat once my kids start going to school full time.

4) Keeping life simple - This may be only relative, since it seems like my life is only constantly getting busier as my kids grow older, but I look forward to striving for a simpler life.  I am hoping that living out in the country helps that, where nothing else sounds better than rocking on the porch swing, with soft music on in the background.

5) Gaining wisdom -  This is a no-brainer (wait... how can gaining wisdom be a no-brainer?!?). ;)  Going along with learning new things, I'm excited to see what age and experience will do to contribute to my wisdom.

6) Seeing the world -  I can't wait to do my share of traveling.  There are a ton of places that I want to see.  Granted, it's a little difficult with young children, but like they say, "Good things come to those who wait."  When the time is right, I plan on seeing Europe, Asia, and as much of North America as possible.

7) Providing guidance - Naturally, I always want to be there for my kids when they have a problem.  But I look forward to the day when they come looking to me for help.  I like the idea of being that person whom they can confide in, and offering suggestions and solutions to make things better.  I hope that we establish enough trust in our relationships that they will never question that I will see them through anything that they are going through. 

8) Creating and preserving memories -  This is something that I know I can do.  I want to create as many wonderful experiences and moments for my kids, and document them, either by taking pictures, videos, or writing about them.  I hope that by doing so, they will always remember how special they are to me and how much I love them, even after I'm gone.

9) Meeting my grandchildren - Perhaps this might be a little presumptive.  People are waiting longer and longer to get married and have kids -- I'm not sure what the status quo will be when my kids are young adults, but I figure that since they will be 34 and 32 by the end of my next thirty years, I am bound to have at least one grandchild by then.  I hope.  :)

10) New and improved technology - Let's face it, technology is already astounding.  I am constantly amazed by the way it has changed our lives, made things more convenient, and has assisted in medicine. My parent's generation are always pointing out, "Remember when television was black and white?" (etc., etc.)  Well, I wonder if and when I will be asking similar questions like, "Remember when we used to use cell phones?  Remember when we drove cars on the road?"  I am confident that I will one day ask questions like that, that will instantly age me.

11) Aging gracefully - More than just physically, I hope that the next thirty years bring about detoxification in my life.  I want to work on de-stressing, becoming more patient, gentle, and having a more positive outlook on the world around me. 

12) New experiences -  There are many things that I want to try but just haven't gotten around to yet, like kayaking, fishing, skiing... the list could go on and on.  The great thing about this is that I know that these are just around the bend.  

13) Being more green - Over the past few years, I have been trying to be more green, but in the coming years, I intend to increase my efforts as much as I can.  Moving past just recycling, I hope to own a hybrid or electric vehicle, install solar panels on my next home, more consistently use recyclable shopping bags,  and be more mindful of the products I use and the effects it has on the environment.  The bottom line is that I want the Earth to be a great place to live for many more generations to come.

14) Slowing down - As the kids grow older, my responsibilities for them will eventually become less and less. I look forward to being able to re-focus some of that time back to myself.

15) Preparing for my next 30 years -  God willing...

Being true

"Never apologize for showing feeling.  When you do so, you apologize for the truth."   

~Benjamin Disraeli

I have been apologetic on a number of occasions in the past, especially during times when I am feeling sensitive or vulnerable.  However, I have come to appreciate acknowledging the truth, accepting my feelings for what they are, instead of trying to push them off because it seemed like the easier thing to do.  Granted, the truth is not easy when feelings are complicated, and there is seemingly nothing that you can do with what you feel.  But I am done with hiding and pretending that they don't exist.  It feels dishonest and usually leaves me frustrated instead.  So please excuse me if I'm frank.  I just can't help what I feel.

Feel the rush

I'm feeling empowered today.  Making a commitment to work out three days in a row, with no intention of stopping can do that to you.  Perhaps that is what was lacking the past several weeks when I was feeling helpless.  Maybe I needed to just channel that energy through exercise.  You always hear about the natural rush of endorphins that travel through your body after a workout.  That is SO true.  I may feel a little tired, but I ALWAYS feel good afterward.  So today I am going to conquer my little world.  I am going to get things done, I'm going to organize my life, but most important of all, I'm going to ENJOY it.   :)