Spending or saving? Saving by spending?

Yes, saving by spending!  The truth is that I am a saver at heart.  I've always been that way, ever since my paper route days.  Back then, it wasn't necessarily by choice, but I was critically shaped and molded during those earlier years to be responsible with my money.  Yeah, yeah, I know that sounds boring -- but it isn't I swear. You want to know why?  Because whenever it comes time to make a nice, big purchase, there's money in the bank.  And let's be real here... I have everything I really need.

I digress.  I'm not a hardcore shopper, but I am a deal-seeker, and if I see one, I go all out!  I've spent $148.55 the last two days at Old Navy.  It's not THAT much, but for me, it's a LOT more than I typically would spend at that store.  But when I walk out the door with 33 articles of clothing for that amount, I don't feel bad, terrible, or guilty.  I am enthralled.   Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I walked away with: For the hubby- A knit sweater, linen pants, and 2 graphic tees.  For the kids- 10 dresses, 2 pairs of pants, a shirt, and a pair of pajamas.  For myself - 7 shirts, 1 tank, 2 dresses, 2 sweater dresses, 2 pairs of pants, and a pair of jeans.  Oh, and did I mention that my jeans cost $1.50?!?!?!?!?!?!  I mean, really, you just can't pass that up.  Besides, I really NEEDED clothes for the fall and winter since I don't have very many that fit since losing 30 pounds.

So, if I was going to have to spend money anyway on things that we needed, I  have essentially saved us a TON of money.  Awesome.  And for those of you who know me best, this really isn't TOO out of the ordinary for me.  I still can't remember the last time I paid for toothpaste, contact lens solution, toothbrushes, shampoo, conditioner, or body wash, and no -- I am not a shoplifter.  Just another example of my super ability to take advantage of great deals. Consider it my second job.  And for anyone who needs help with taking advantage of deals or earning extra money at home, I am a wealth of information. 

No more chocolate!

I am banishing chocolate brownie cupcakes.  And brownies, chocolate chip cookies, candy bars, buttercream frosting, and just about every other form of chocolate imaginable. For now, anyway.  A good, long while.  Oh, and fried chicken too, while I am it.  Never did I imagine the day when I would consider chocolate to be one of my biggest enemies, but alas, I have found a formidable foe, even if my spite is only temporary.  I have found that when it is consumed in excess, my stomach ties in multiple knots, my energy is fried, and my entire body feels sluggish.  And now, just about the only things that sounds good is salad, soup, and tons of water.

It has definitely proven the theory that too much of a good thing can be bad for you.  Chocolate, like many other nice things, are wonderful in small quantities. I can think of a number of other items that are great in small amounts but terrible in large quantities.  Money, rain, fame, a tireless work ethic, freedom, sleep, power, etc... the list goes on.  I  have learned that all it takes is a little bit to please the senses, to spread it's warmth and happiness.  And it is for this reason that I am learning to love and appreciate all the small, wonderful things in my life.  Life is complicated enough -- there's no need to be overwhelmed by having the most and best of everything.  Forget 'death by chocolate'.  I choose the simple road.

Being re-born

My niece was baptized two days ago.  Proud doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have being chosen as her godmother.  My precious, beautiful, innocent niece.  And then there's me -- imperfect, worn, and tattered.  How it is that I am worthy enough to be granted such an honor and responsibility is beyond me, but there is one thing that I do know -- I am humbled and I accept the responsibility with open, willing arms.

There's something about witnessing a baptism.  The cleansing water reminds me that no matter what stage of life we are in, it is never too late to be reborn.  I'm not talking just in a Christian sense, but also in the sense of starting fresh in your own life or the challenges you might face.  Sure, it may not be easy.  Change never is.  But can you imagine how refreshing it must be when you stand up, decide you are ready to own the life that you live, and make the absolute best with it?    That's having courage -- living a life without fear or dread -- ready to walk down that long and winding path in the light. 

I feel like I have gone through a couple of re-births myself this past year. And even still, when I go through particularly rough days, I find myself moving past the struggle to create and re-invent where I want my life to be.  And so long as there are questions in my head, I have no doubt that I will continue to push until I feel born again.

What does it all mean anyway?

"Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you."  ~ Marsha Norman

I had a dream last night -- I am a dreamer.  Although it doesn't happen extremely often,  I'd say I have a dream at least once a week.  (Hey, I have to get enough sleep to do that more often... and I can't say I do!)  When I was younger, I used to have recurring bad dreams about school-related anxieties.  Now that I am older, and my life is seemingly more stressful and complicated, I have found that my dreams may reflect complicated feelings, but they are almost never bad.  At least from the ones that I can remember anyway, since details can sometimes be hard to come by once I wake up.  Nevertheless, I still find myself wondering what my dreams mean.

If Freud had his way, he would say that my thoughts and actions are motivated by the unconscious, and that as a society, we repress urges and impulses we have to abide by the moral code set by others.   Remember the "id", "ego", and "superego"?  Well, according to Freud, dreams are ruled by our id - our unconscious, instinctual, pleasure-seeking aspect of our mind.  In "New Introductory Lectures of Psychoanalysis" he says, "It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learnt from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of this is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We all approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations... It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organisation, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principle."  Is this true?   Does this mean that my dreams are my subconscious response to my wishes and desires that I can't have or realize at this point in my life?  I don't know.  Maybe.  Maybe not.

"We are not only less reasonable and less decent in our dreams... we are also more intelligent, wiser and capable of better judgment when we are asleep than when we are awake."  ~Erich Fromm

"Dreams are excursions into the limbo of things, a semi-deliverance from the human prison." ~Henri Amiel

"Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions."  ~Edgar Cayce

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long.  If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night."  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes~

"A dream is a microscope through which we look at the hidden occurrences in our soul."

~Erich Fromm